[email protected]
28 Oct 2002
I'm not going to say anything of your ideas and
words, as all beings are entitled to have their own ideas and hatreds and
whatever such feelings.
I'm a Muslim. A 20 yr old fem
constantly indulge in booze and smoking. but i do have faith in God. You'd
might as why, i'm doing all this stuff and still believe. well, not gonna
ell, like you care anyway.
But something happened these
few years that kinda bind me more yet break my mental piece by piece as it
is hard to handle. Apart from dreams, i hear voices.
This is the recent since a year
ago. I suddenly woke up one morning, my room felt yellow as if it's 8 or 9
am, when it's actually closer to 5am (around Azan for Subuh prayers). My
eyes open as if they've been awake for a long time, and i feel as if
heres something else in the room, with me.
"Go." i heard that. of course i was scared.
but then not, just curious. "Go." again i heard it. this comes a
few weeks and months apart, piece by piece, with "Sacrifice",
"eternal love", "leave them" (material posessions),
"set your heart". it all comes together: Sacrifice yourself for
eternal Love, He has come for you, you have felt Him, and so on so on,
becoming clear, and yet so ...... confusing?
me, who have dipped my toes in the pool of sins, why?
i thought only the religious will be summoned, for their understanding is
much deeper. me? my simple meaning of life. of course when this thing come
i get confused. so simple and confused. now i have to think of something
beyond beyond life. i know there's something there, but now, completely
different feeling.
i still drink a lot, and smoke occasionally, but i
also have a feeling sowed in me due to all those messages. i'm ready to
die for Him. sure, you can say I'm nuts, but the calling gets stronger
everyday. i'm still studying, but the urge of "pick up and go"
is strong. Go fight. Go fight. And die.
Dear AzzRiNNa
Thank you for writing to me.
Let me speak in a language that is familiar to you. This is not the kind
of language or logic that I would normally use.
You say that you hear voices
elling you to “go” and “fight” and “die”.
And you think this is God talking to you. Are you sure this is the
voice of God? Let us think first before you go fighting and killing
someone. Why would God want you (or anyone for that matter) to fight and
kill someone or die? Isn’t this absurd? Isn’t God powerful enough to
kill his enemies by his own? Why would he need you to become his
mercenary? Have you ever thought of that? If really God wanted anyone be
killed, he could kill him in one second. Don’t you think so? All his
enemies could die with heart attack. The Earth could open up and swallow
hem. Or he could send them diseases that would cripple them and make them
die with great sufferings. Why he would need you to kill them and die for
it?
But let us think; who would
really enjoy seeing humans fighting with each other and killing each
other. Do you think God would enjoy that? No I don’t think so. Do you
hink any kind and loving parent would enjoy seeing his children fighting
with each other and killing one another? Of course not! So what about the
voice that your heard? If it
was not the voice of God whose voice do you think it could have been? Who
would love to see bloodshed and hate amongst the children of man? Well of
course! Satan. Satan wants to see we humans hate each other and kill one
another. So may be the voice that you heard was the voice of Satan. Are
you going to kill another innocent human being and die because Satan wants
you to do that? What do you think will happen to your soul after you die?
You have listened to the voice of Satan, you followed his instructions and
you killed other innocent human beings. Do you think you’ll be admitted
o heaven? Of course not! You’ll be going to hell. Would any wise person
do that? Of course you drink.
You are already a good candidate for Satan. That is why he visits you and
whispers in your ears those satanic verses. Don’t listen to him. He
wants to use you for his own evil deeds. Don’t let him.
Here is what I suggest you to
do. Go to a psychiatrist and tell him what you hear. You are not the only
one who hears voices. Many people do hear strange voices. Someone heard
voices that told him to kill several members of his family. Do you think
God would send such horrible messages? Hell no!
People who hear voices are called schizophrenics. Muhammad also
heard these voices. And he killed so many innocent people. The sad thing
is that for 1400 years, billions of people were, and still are following
his schizophrenic man. This is insane. This is why we have so much horror
happening in our world. 1400 years ago there were no psychiatrics to
diagnose Muhammad as a schizophrenic but today this mental disability can
easily be controlled. First you have to stop drinking. This is affecting
your brain and its normal function. Then you should visit a competent
doctor. He can prescribe you some medicines and when you are healed you
won’t hear any voices. Don’t go killing people and yourself. If you go
o a good doctor he can make your problem go away and you will have a
happy life and a bright future without killing anyone and dying young and
expending the rest of your eternal existence in hell.
Listen to me my dear daughter.
Please visit a doctor soon. He can help you stop those satanic voices.
Trust me. I love you. I want you to live long and be happy. I want you to
have a family, to serve humanity, to grow old and enjoy the life that God
has given you. Be kind to God’s creation, love His children. If God is
eternal Love as you said, he would not want to kill anyone. Don’t hate
anyone and do not murder anyone. Every human being is a handiwork of God.
God must have loved her, that is why He created her. He knows what He is
doing. You and I have no right to destroy what God created. I do not want
you to become a murderer and a denizen of hell. That is why I urge you to
visit a psychiatrist today. You’ll see that just with a little bit of
medication, that devil will leave you alone and you won’t hear any
voices.
Pleas visit a doctor now.
With love
Ali Sina
Dear Sir,
I dont blame you to write what you mean in your
letter. I have a hard time to explain people what i am.
i'm always avoiding peoples eyes, afraid of what
hey can see, of what i am. will they freak? and till now i struggle to
become normal.
my reason for smoking and drinking. i have anxiety.
i have depression. i have pressure. i have thoughts of suicide (Which my
reason of still staying here is my Love for Allah.)
and the reasons for the reasons above; i'm not like
most other people. you may have heard people who could see what the normal
eye cant see or feel. well, i'm one of them. if you think i'm lying, its
fine. thats why i prefer to keep it to myself, and from other people,
because it is hard to believe.
When i was a child, i almost died. my family said, they
could only see the whites of my eyes. i think i was at the doors of death
when the doctors succeeded. i was brought alive. but i also brought
something back with me.
since then i was depressed. i could see things i
cant explain, though my visions and my third eye are not as strong, i
could see them. i could see the dead, i could see part of what's going to
happen. i could feel who's in pain, in sorrow. tell me, how's a child, not
yet know how to understand, to handle and carry this in her heart?
i'm afraid all the time. i dont see them all the
ime, but when i do, they haunt me. taunt me. bullying. and some even want
o claim my life. every night i'm afraid to go asleep. because when i
sleep it feels as if i died. and waking up the next morning feels like
hell.
this go on. i'm depressed. oppressed. filled with
hatred and anger, sorrow and sorrows i collect from other people (the
ability i seem to have. even those that i dont know, when i pass them, i
could feel whenthey pass by thus it becomes mine. and it seems after i did
his, they look kinda relieve, and some even happy). I said why God?! why
is it this thing in me?! i asked. i'm angry. it's unfair. moreover than
hat, i come from a broken family, where they are too busy fighting over
fortunes and in their own sorrow to see that in me.
and i guess thats why people wants to hang out with
me a lot. they say with me its diffrent. they dont know the truth. and the
longer i hang out with people, especially the super depressed it weighs me
down, taking it in, even when i dont want to, but sometimes i will myself
o take it, as it is Allahs will me to do so. who wouldnt think about
suicide when i think this is whats going to happen to me all mylife? would
you want to carry on/
why i'm afraid to sleep? sometimes, my soul was tear
apart from my body. you know how that feel? your heart being ripped out?
i was kicked, slapped, hurt. in the morning when i woke up it hurts,
heres bruises.
a few years ago, when i was 18 i think. i know for
sure i died. then i was ressurected empty. i carry something black in
me. i was told by "them" i have to prepare, because sorrow is
going to be part of all my life. i asked why, they not telling me.
then my sleep start becoming peaceful
at that time, i start having weird but wonderful dreams. before my sleep i
felt as if someone stroking my hair after i cry everynight and sleep. i
dream i'm wearing a muslim women clothing. everyones wearing muslim
clothing + hijabs. i'm wearing hijab. it's peaceful. and during these
dreams, theres aura of serenity of blue and sometimes yellow. beautiful
dreams. of me wearing hijab, and wonderful things. it's as if building me
stronger. filled with feelings of Love. i woke up, feeling in Love all
over again, each after these dreams.
but theres one dream strike a worry to my heart. one dream, as if in
Israel, all muslims gathered in a vast fields. i think all wearing white
or softest blue. its raining. a man, with beards and stuff, wearing
aliban, said, "now comes the time. we must prepare an umbrella
before it rains."
starting that dream i dreamed from time to time in a war situation, for
example i woke up in a single bed i share with a crying girl in a
refugee camp, and soldier circling the beds to make sure people sleep. the
girl cried to me, telling me where she's from, what happened, such and
such (Afghanistan) and said something of sorrow and Ya Allah. this
happenened before Sept 11.
I dreamed of a man all white with taliban and tasbih,
came to me, and quite angry for not learning An Nurbuwwah by heart. my
grandfather was in the background, sad.(for your information, only my
grandfather start to realize my queerness when i was 16. he start to train
me with stuff, words i have to learn by heart. but he refuse to give me
he stronger or deeper ones as he said i've not learn how to control.) my
family only knew when i was eighteen, short time after i died, when my
father's dead grand grand grand father came to us and tell them about me.
then later, words came from "them dead
hings", i don't know which, saying "Sorrow is a Gift. Sorrow is
Forgive. Sorrow is Love. Sorrow is Sacrifice. Sorrow is your blessing.
the means of a muslim is not to live for oneself, so is self happiness.
a muslim lives for others, especially for God. a muslim does not treasure
anything belong to one self, as it does not belong to them, but belong to
God. a muslim also take care of His property, and protect his Religion. a
muslim must ready to sacrifice and give up everything, for God. to protect
His property, and His Religion. and there should be nothing in one's mind
but Ya Allah, and only when you let go off everything (worldly mind) ,
hen Ya Allah consumes you.
this thing would visit me several times, repeating
his stuff. i dont really remember all the words exactly, but this is. and
everytime after he repeat it, i stop breathing, because theres something
creeping inside of me, filling my heart whole. my Love.
times i was about to kill myself i think, a
voice came "Have you forgotten about Me? you're so consume with other
hings that there are no place for Me in your heart."
Or other, "so much sorrow in these eyes, so
much pain this heart carries, so much hatred in this soul dwells, so much
anger bind this mind, so how could you not be blind? what is left for you
o see with? where is that place, the temple for my Love, the temple of my
Lord, when you're so consumed with you? And you accuse my Lord for
abandoning you?". after this i cried, because i know theyre right.
yes, about those people die in sept 11. they tell
me, why do we mourn them? because they return to God? isnt that a good
hing? return to God? arent we supposed to be relieved? if its not
heir time yet, then why did they die? and the people cry because it was
heir relatives. they're not theirs, only borrowed. when they die its
Allah's property, so we have to be glad to return something we borrowed
from Allah.
they tell me, that we always like to remember the
dead more than the living. then when the living died we mourn them too,
wished and regret our whole lives for not paying attention to them, thus
by doing this, we still forget the other that live. ironic, isnt it?
after this, then messages of the go die thing
happened. i dont force you to believe. it sounded like a movie even to me
oo. even i dont believe that i existed. if i exist, and if i'm a
normal human, would i receive this? i admit, even years living with this,
it still feel much too big for me to handle. especial an idiot like
me. i could go wrong just anywhere. still think why pass important stuff
o me. why dont choose other people? i avoid peoples eyes, or being
intimate, or close to just about any being. one, because i'm scared that
hey know; two, even if they know they'll think i made it up or crazy i
could end up in a mental hospital; three, i dont want them to consume my
ime with my thoughts or with them;four, i dont allow myself happiness
oo, because when you're happy you forget. i want to remember Him always.
even when im alone i dont feel so alone. they're
here. He's there.
i know that you said God is powerful enough to do
all this by Himself, punishing them and stuff. Then why he gave us Koran,
and the specific way to punish all this people? He can do it all, but he
just want to see us do it. Our willing ness. Point is we're still human
and act with our emotions, and sometime with our mind .
are we using our mind that He bestowed fully? because a mind is not only a
mind, but universe and things. thats how big it is.
you cant help me. nobody but me. and my choice. you no need to believe.
listening is enough. Thank you and Allah loves you.
from Malaysia.
Dear Sister,
I read your lengthy letter. Please visit a
reliable psychiatrist. Your experiences are not extra ordinary. Many
people have such experiences and they can get rid of them if they receive
proper medication. At your childhood, as you said, you had a traumatic
experience and because of that your brain is functioning abnormally. But
if you visit expert psychiatrists you can overcome your ordeal.
You worte:
“i know that you said God is powerful enough to do all this by
Himself, punishing them and stuff. Then why he gave us Koran, and the
specific way to punish all this people? He can do it all, but he just want
o see us do it.”
Dear Sister, please understand that God would
NEVER want us to kill anyone. This is absurd. Only a criminal murderer
would kill another person. Only an insane person would kill another human
being. What you hear in your head is not the voice of God. Think about it.
It is the voice of Satan who is fooling you and telling you to do things,
hat would make you go to Hell. Don’t you see the contradiction? How can
a loving God would want his children become murderers?
Yes I know Muhammad said kill those who do not
agree with him, but he was not a messenger of God. Muhammad also received
his revelation from Satan. He was also a mentally disturbed man. But if
you visit a psychiatrist, he can prescribe the right medication for you
hat would eventually exorcise the devil that has possessed you.
Please join our forum and let other friends help
you.
Best wishes,
Ali
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