How I Lost
I used to think I was a
lonely apostate amongst 1.2 billion Muslims until nine days ago when I
came across this site just by typing the search word 'secular Islam'. What
a blessing it was to find out there are others like you to share your
'secret' feelings! I am a 29 year old female born to a Bangladeshi Muslim
family which was fortunately extremely progressive. My parents never
imposed any Islamic sanctions on me but provided the essential Quranic
teachings. I finished Qur’an at age 9 without ever understanding a word
of it. I guess I became an apostate at around age 11 or 12, when one day
in my mandatory Islamiyat (Study of Islam) class, the Huzur gave an
account of heaven and hell for men and women. A Mumin(faithful) Muslim man
would go straight to heaven where those proverbial ‘seventy two
houries’ would be waiting to entertain him;
and what would a faithful woman get ? According to my Huzur ‘the
greatest reward that she could ever expect’- her same old husband !!!!!!
I was just shocked and surprised, something clicked inside me and I
told myself “Hell with heaven! I don’t want your Jannaat, thank you
very much!” I couldn’t believe Allah could be so unjust toward women.
Why should I get the same old man in ‘Jannaat-Ul-Ferdous’ and share
him with seventy two houris? I
have no intention to do that! And what if I make it to heaven and he
doesn’t? Then what happens? Allah
seemed to me like a mediaeval chauvinistic man- not God.
I tried to talk to my friends how they felt about this issue of
heaven and other unequal rights of women. Most of their reactions were
quite sarcastic like “Just how many men would you like to nail in
heaven?” or “Why your husband is not enough for you?”.
I later found out in Surah-56 in Qur’an, a mention of Ghilmans
(“young boys as if they are hidden pearls in the gardens of heaven”)
who are also reserved for men only! Now
that is sick! Why women would have ‘squat’ while men would enjoy the
company of both beautiful women and men? What does that really mean? Does
Allah hate women far more than He hates homosexuals or pedophiles?
However, the environment
at my home was extremely secular, my father taught me not to even mention
someone as a Hindu, and such were the manners in our family. My mom taught
me to be a human being first then become a Muslim. When I was around 14/15
I started reading Communist literature and gradually became an Atheist. I
guess I was being heavily influenced by my brother who was a Marxist and
also by one of my private tutors who was actively involved with a local
Communist party at that time. My becoming an atheist did surprise my
parents but didn’t exactly shock them. They were more concerned about
people’s reaction toward me than the possibility of me burning in hell.
They warned me about the danger of having to come out as an atheist and
insisted on keeping it secret. So I did, even my closest friends don't
know that I have absolutely no faith in any religion especially in Islam.
I remember how many times I had to lie to friends about fasting during
Ramadan, it was a shame for me but I had no choice. As I grew up, I tried
over and over again to ask questions about Qur’an but every time was
turned off by cold looks or angry slurs from some of my relatives and
friends who claim to be 'moderate' Muslims!!! Bangladesh is a liberal
Muslim state on the outside but this is the place from where Taslima
Nasrin was driven away just because she asked to revise the Qur’an!
Thanks to the valuable educational articles of
FFI and ISIS, now I have no doubt in my mind that Islam is one of
the most heinous religions on earth! Although never really took much
interest in Qur’an, I at least knew about Mohammad's numerous marriages,
intolerance on opposing beliefs and so on. But it was only a week ago that
I learned -he had sex with Ayesha when she was 9 years old? He killed 900
Jews and pagans and then slept with their wives? Why God why? I felt like
crying, couldn't sleep rest of that night! Such was the guilt and shame.
I've been silently a part of these despicable crimes for all these years!
I knew it was bad, never knew it was this much sick. The hardest part of
my story is that I still have to go along with my 'moderate' friends even
here in the U.S. and never be able to come out and say "I hate your
Let me tell you something
about my local community of Bangladeshis. Most of them are well educated
middleclass immigrants who have at least a bachelor’s or a master’s
degree from American schools. While they are far less religious or
fanatical than the Arabs or Pakistanis, they have their own ‘moderate
way’ of religious practice mixed with their own brand of hypocrisy. Most
of them would regularly eat at Burger King or McDonalds, but would never
touch the non-halaal game-hen at grocery stores. They would love to take
advantage of the freedom and democracy of America but would never practice
the same in their own community when it comes to critiquing Islam. Their
hearts bleed for the suffering Palestinians but never even ache for the
innocent Israeli victims of suicide bombings. They scream discrimination
against Arab minorities of America, but never utter a single word against
the inhumane treatment on Hindu minorities in Bangladesh. Some of them are
pundits in global politics and world history, who call themselves
humanists, keep accurate statistics of deaths and casualties in
Afghanistan, Kosovo, Iraq and Kashmir but maintain complete ignorance
about the U.S. invasions in Panama, Nicaragua, Guatemala, Vietnam,
Hiroshima or Nagasaki; after all, those victims were non-Muslims, so why
shed tears for them? They pride their Islamic spiritual philosophy and
hate the western materialistic way of life, but don’t hesitate to brag
about buying the latest SUV of BMW. At least half of them firmly believe
that every act of Islamic terrorism is actually a Zionist conspiracy
against Muslims. At least a quarter of them frequent the mosques, these
are the most radical people who regularly arrange ‘halaka’(hours of
boring Qur’an recitation and Islamic discussion sessions) and openly
make fun of other religions. To them, the event of the Birth of Jesus to
Virgin Mary is laughable but ‘Miraj’ of Prophet Mohammad is absolutely
believable. They even have the weirdest opinion about websites like FFI.
One of my hijabi friends told me that day she is absolutely convinced
that, Dr Ali Sina (certainly she was cursing him with unmentionable
adjectives) must be a Jew or a Hindu under the disguise of a Muslim name.
It is incomprehensible to her that a Muslim could defame Islam like this.
Her strong suggestion to those who posted testimonials in this page is
“commit suicide; since you are not Muslims anymore you have nothing to
live for; since you are doomed to suffer hellfire, it’s better to die
now before committing any more sins!”
While I try to distance
myself from this kind of hypocrisies and bigotry by just keeping silent,
very often it makes me feel like a coward even irresponsible. I’m
gathering my courage little by little and hoping one day I would be able
to stand up for what I believe. Only then I’ll be truly free.
Finally can I offer my deepest and sincere condolence to all
Americans and other nationals who lost their loved ones on 9/11, relatives
of all Israeli civilian victims of suicide bombings, and all other
individuals (Muslims and non-Muslims) who have been slaughtered at the
hands of the Islamists. I just can't carry this burden of guilt anymore. I
have no word to condemn the atrocities committed by the Islamic butchers!
Yes, the journalistic cliché is right; Islam is the fastest growing
'cancer' in the world. If civilized people just sit back in silence and
let it spread- it's going to destroy the entire humanity in just a couple
of decades. Hope that day never comes.