American Ex Muslim
I've always been a bit wary of testimonies.
It conjures up images of evangelical meetings where member after
member stands up to confesses that they too were sinners but have now
seen the light! Followed by raucous applause and cries of hallelujah!
But I recognise that it serves a purpose. Both for the individual and
I was born and grew up in the United States. My parents are both Arab.
I have been a practising Muslim all my life - apart from my teenage
years. I know Muslims find it hard to believe that any 'true' Muslim
would leave Islam and so the usual accusation against any Muslim brave
enough to 'come out' is that "Oh you were never a 'real Muslim!
Well I was. I not only practised it personally, praying all my
prayers, learning the Qur'an and studying Islam. I preached it and
worked for more than one Muslim organisation that promoted Islam. I
was one of those Muslims who tried to present Islam as a tolerant and
peaceful religion. I know many on this forum have little time for such
people, but for obvious reasons I am not so hard on them. I know
that's what they genuinely believe Islam to be.
So yes! I was a 'true' Muslim. I practised it, believed it, preached
it and worked for it. I came to practise Islam because of the good
things I was taught about Islam. My parents never taught me the other
things. But as the years went by I discovered more and more that made
me feel deeply uncomfortable. I couldn't square some of the teachings
with my faith in the values of peace and tolerance and love. But I
felt trapped. It was as though I had signed a contract in good faith
only to have someone unfold the all the small print that had all this
stuff about wife beating, taking captives, slavery, chopping off hands
The choice then is either reject the whole thing or make the best of
the situation as you can. The thought of rejecting Islam just does not
bear contemplating. The concept of the Kafir and Apostate is built up
so much that even now I am scared shitless that I am going to be
struck down by a bolt of lightening or burnt eternally in the lowest
pit of hell for my infidelity. Only a Muslim knows how strong this
feeling is. Perhaps it can be likened in some ways to the members of a
group I used to hear about called the Moonies who needed long
de-programming sessions to re-enter the human race and stop thinking
that all the outsiders were evil and brainwashed by the devil and that
they would be eternally dammed if they left.
What eventually turned the tide for me? Well it was not really one
thing. It was a long process of many things. Perhaps the main factor
was that I always clung stubbornly to my humanity no matter what. But
certain events certainly worked as a catalyst. Firstly it was Muslims
themselves that brought home the futility of my attempts to show that
Islam is a religion of peace, love and toleration. On an intellectual
level I was confronted by the 'purists' who constantly refuted my
'peaceful' Islam and they always had the stronger evidence. Secondly,
I think living in the west exposes many of the contradictions in
Islam. It is easier for the mind to try and justify something inhumane
in 'theory' - but it is when you have to apply it in practise to those
around you that it is really exposed for what it is. Someone very
close to me, who was not a Muslim but was a very good and spiritual
person, caused me to question many of the attitudes Muslims have to
The more uncomfortable I felt the more I questioned. But the more I
questioned the more uncomfortable I felt. Rather than finding answers
to calm my worst fears, I found those I argued with simply confirmed
them. Either it was the Islamists telling it like it is or it was the
apologist giving me nonsensical explanations that had very little or
no basis in the original texts. It became clearer and clearer to me
that the Islamists were right. Their intolerant, harsh and in some
cases barbaric version of Islam really was the 'real' Islam.
What worried me more was that some Muslims who were aware of this
intolerant and barbaric side of Islam were openly saying that never
mind what our 'feelings' are, never mind what our 'mind' or 'heart'
tells us we must suppress these in obedience to God and the greater
good of our goal.
Well I just couldn't accept that God would want us to achieve things
this way and it reminded me of the sort of mentality of the Nazis and
other groups that committed great evil in the name of ' the ends
justify the means' - I knew then that something here is very wrong.
But I still clung to the belief that these guys were just a crazed
minority. A small and ineffectual group who would never be able to
amount to anything. But since Sept 11th I have had to admit that this
is not true. They are an ever-present force within Islam and they just
cannot be opposed, simply because they have all the evidence to back
I grew tired of trying to fight them and spread the image of Islam as
a peaceful religion. I grew tired of trying to defend things that, in
all sincerity, could not be defended.
That's it! I had just had enough. I was fed up with having this
self-imposed barrier between me and the good and decent people who
live around me, simply because they don't believe as I do. So what?
Let people believe what they want. So long as they don't harm anyone.
Let God judge us if that what He wants to do. I do believe in God. But
I don't know what that means? I haven't got a clue who God is and what
His plan is and why this whole bloody world exists?
But whoever God is - I just don't believe He is going to punish me for
not wanting to hurt anyone and standing by that.
American Ex Muslim reverts back to Islam
The following is the email I received from
American ex Muslim. Scroll up to read his original testimony.
June 8, 2003
would you mind removing the thread i posted in the testimonies
section as americanxmuslim - called 'my story'
i still regard myself as a muslim - in fact i see it as
essential that i remain within islam, in order to push for
reforms from within - i refuse to let the extremists have it
all their own way and abandon the majority of Muslims to their
i hope u understand
best wishes & peace
Prior to deciding to abandon Islam and help other Muslims to abandon
it too, I flirted with the idea of reformation for many years. I
finally came to the realization that Islam is not reformable. This
truth dawned on me after I read the Quran. I saw that Muhammad was not
a prophet but a liar. Then the question is, why keep his lie alive?
There have been many reformers and rationalists in Islam. They have
all failed because the Quran was against them. The Mo’tazalis are a
clear example of that. Moderate Islam is a fallacy. Can you reform
Nazism and make it a humane philosophy? You have a better chance to
reform Nazism than reforming Islam. Nazism does not claim to have
divine origin and therefore it is possible to reform it. By what
authority do you propose to reform the Quran?
You are beating a dead horse. You’ll reap nothing but failure and
frustration. The movement of Islamic renaissance is marching with
strength and is gaining momentum day by day. Be part of this movement
instead. The truth about Muhammad and Islam is out. Soon the world
will know that this man that you still call a prophet was an evil man.
The followers of this evil monster will be engulfed with shame. Your
children will be singled out and ridiculed. The tied is changing. Gone
are those days that Muslims were protected and insulting Islam was a
taboo. More and more people are speaking out against this evil cult
and Muslims will find themselves in a very difficult situation. This
process cannot be reversed. Islam is a sinking ship. No one can save
The question you have to ask yourself is: Was Muhammad a messenger of
God or was he a liar? If he was a messenger of God then show me. Prove
it to me that I am wrong. Let the world know. I have issued a
challenge that should anyone prove that Muhammad was indeed a
messenger of God, I’ll remove my site and embrace Islam again. Not a
single person has been able to do it and no one will be able to do it
because Muhammad was a liar. I have proved my case against Islam. If
you think I am wrong, the ball is in your court—show it to me.
If on the other hand you agree that he was a liar, then what is it
that you want to reform and save? … A lie? …Why?
If Muhammad was an impostor as I have proven time and again, then by
devoting your life to Islam you get no rewards from any God. Your
prayers and fasting are worthless. The real God has nothing to do with
this impostor. And his mechanical drills devised to brainwash the
people will not attract God’s favors. Do you think the followers of
Jim Johns who committed mass suicide or the members of Heaven’s Gate
will receive any rewards for sacrificing their lives even though they
were sincere? It would be foolish to assume so. The same can be said
about Muslims. There is no reward for being a Muslim and following an
Leaving one’s faith has never been easy. It is much easier to keep
our eyes closed and pretend nothing has happened. Believe it or not
for one year after leaving Islam I kept praying and doing the fast. It
took me one full year to stop being a hypocrite. I knew Islam was
false yet I feared giving up the rituals that I had grown up with.
I saw a movie. I think it was Shawshank Redemption. An old man who had spent all his
life in prison was released. He was overtaken by depression and after
a few weeks he could not cope with freedom and hanged himself. The
fear of freedom is a psychological condition. Animals who have spent a
long time in cage; often do not want to leave it when the cage is
opened. To be free requires courage.
Do not beguile yourself. You know too well that Islam cannot be
reformed. These are pretexts. You are afraid of freedom. If you think
Islam holds any truth, show me. I felt like you for a long time. I was
overtaken by fear despite the fact that I knew Islam is a lie. But
each time I looked into a mirror I saw a coward and a hypocrite.
Finally I decided that is enough of cowardice and hypocrisy. I have
known the truth and I am going to spell it out. I won’t let the
manipulations of a dead madman control me. There is no doubt that he
was an impostor. He was just a cult leader and a brutal one at that.
If everything he said about science and this world is wrong, there is no reason to believe his bogus claims about God,
heaven and hell are true. In fact they are ridiculous and it is
embarrassing for an educated man to believe in those stupid fear
mongering fairy tales.
Now instead of being a fool, I am enlightened. I am part of the
Islamic renaissance. My life has meaning and I feel invigorated. Islam
is losing while our renaissance is gaining momentum. Do not be part of
the losers. The truth is in our camp and victory is ours. Islam is
doomed because truth is more powerful than all lies as light is more
potent than darkness. Do not take this call lightly. If still you
think Islam is a true religion prove it. If you can’t, then leave
it. But whatever you do don’t be a hypocrite. You live only once.
Live with dignity and prove that you are not a sheep but a man of
courage and understanding.
Give it a couple of days and think about it. However I hope this
letter will make you ponder and give you the courage to stand for the
Your brother as always
June 9, 2003
|To be honest
absolute truths like was muhammad a prophet or not, no longer
troubles me. Nor am I interested in defending beliefs in
absolute truths. What concerns me is that I do something good
and positive to help others without hurting anyone in the best
way as I see it. Whoever and whatever God is or isn't - I am
sure he will accept my efforts - even if they are misguided. I
doubt that there is any such thing as the absolute right way.
But I'm sure you will agree - we have to follow our own light
- our own conscience. Just as you must follow yours - I must
I do not see it as winning or losing. I doubt very much that
there are any winners or losers.
Only players - the best of whom are those who follow their
heart and mind sincerely.
I would like my testimony removed - because it no longer
reflects my thoughts. However I will not ask you again.
Best wishes Ali,
You are right. Truth is relative and we may never be able to find it.
Everyday we discover a new reality that expands our understanding of truth further. However this does not signify that falsehood also
is a probable truth. For thousands of years everyone thought that the
Earth is flat. One guy came by and challenged that universal belief.
Now we know that the Earth is not flat. Since then our notion of the
Earth has been changing. We keep discovering new realities everyday.
Everyday new mysteries about our planet is revealed. What we know
today will be challenged tomorrow. But do you think there is a chance
that one day we discover the Earth is flat? Do you see the absurdity
of this line of reasoning? You say since truth is relative, Islam
also could be true! Yes truth is relative, but we have proven that Islam
is false. That argument is closed. There is not a chance that Islam
could be true. The relativity of the truth does not imply that
falsehood also could be true. Once we have proven something is false
that is an absolute. Our lack of understanding the whole truth does
not make something that is proven to be false a probable truth. Do you
think that there could be any chance that there could be two headed
dragons, that Santa could be real or that Jinns exist? A false thing is
never going to be true. Period.
You say that the truth about Muhammad being a prophet or not does not
bother you and what concerns you is that you do something good and
positive to help others. What if a member of KKK claim the same thing?
Would you think he is honest? If he really wants to do good, why he
is a member of KKK? Doesn't that sound hypocritical? This is absurd.
Islam is a gigantic terrorist organization founded by a terrorist. By
being part of it you are promoting it. You hold an evil monster as a
prophet. A man who massacred thousands of innocent people, invaded
civilians without any warning, killed unarmed men, looted their
belongings, enslaved and raped their wives and children. How dare you
speak of “doing good” and not hurting anyone when you follow a
murderer? How can an intelligent man confesses
that he has no regard for truth, does not care that the man who he
wants to emulate was a monster or not and pretends to be a good man doing
good things and not hurting anyone. How can you not hurt anyone if you
are part of a terrorist organization and support it? How credible
would be a member of the Nazi party if he claims that he wants to
do good and not hurt anyone when he is supporting an
organization that promotes hate and systematically murders innocent
you think that as long as you have clear conscience God will accept
your efforts even if they are misguided? Do you think that all the mean cults that promote
hate and their followers who commit crimes will all be accepted by God
because they are sincere in their misguided ways? The "Aum
Supreme Truth" cultists in Japan poisoned hundreds and killed a dozen of innocent
commuters in Tokyo's Subways to "liberate them from the cycle
of sin." They were sincere and had "good" motives. Do you
think they will be forgiven? What about other members of this cult
that did not participate in these mass murders but believed that Shoko
Asahara, the lunatic leader of this cult is a divine being? Would
God forgive them? People commit crimes in the name of religion because they
are brainwashed and they do it with clear conscience. The hasshashin, the followers of Hassan Sabbah used to assassin their
victims and stayed in the scene of crime to be captured and faced
their own death with smiles. Conscience can be manipulated. It is the
most unreliable tool to find the truth. What can guide you is reason. If you are brainwashed your
conscience is flawed. Your conscience will make you do
evil things just as the conscience of the Islamic terrorists makes
them commit so much crime so cheerfully. Nothing is easier than to
fool one's conscience.
You wrote: “But I'm sure you will agree -
we have to follow our own light - our own conscience. Just as you must
follow yours - I must follow mine.”
Do you think that Muhammad Atta did not follow his own conscience? Do
you think the suicide bombers who blow themselves up along with a bunch of
innocent people have dirty conscience? No Sir! They have clear
conscience, just like you. I said find your own light. I did not say
follow the darkness. I said doubt everything, I did not say believe in
any stupid things and don’t care whether what you believe is true or
not. You fear and you believe in
stupidities. Where is the light in this? This is not light you are
following. This is darkness. If anyone had to do
what he thinks is right and if that was okay with God then why in the
world you believe God sends messengers?
Islam is an evil force that is menacing the world, killing people, denigrating women and you want to be part of it. You give validity
to this evil force. You energize it. I am not against those Muslims
who commit terrorism, murder and die in the process. They are fools
and victims of this evil cult. I am against the so-called modernist
Muslims who falsify Islam, who want to salvage this evil force. I am
not afraid of the Muslims who commit murder in the name of Islam and
call the spade a spade. I fear the hypocrites who camouflage Islam. These people are the real enemies of humanity. These are
the ones who strive to maintain Islam alive, masquerade its ugly face
and provide legitimacy for it.
If there is a God you can be sure that he despises hypocrisy more than
anything else. You
believe since there is no absolute, falsehood also could be true and
evil also could be good. Who do you think you are fooling? ….
God? …. or yourself? Do you think truth is just a joke?
So you think as long as you personally do not hurt anyone, God is
pleased with you and it does not matter to you that you are upholding
a book that tells its followers to -kill the Jews and the Christians
if they fail to pay for their protection, beat your wives, murder the
pagans, crucify the unbelievers, stone the single mothers and millions
of Muslims do just that. Then you come and tell me:
|“I refuse to let the extremists have it all
their own way and abandon the majority of Muslims to their
So what are you gonna do? Are you going to rewrite the Quran? Are you
going to tell these “extremists” that they should not follow the
Quran of Muhammad and follow your Quran? Don’t you see that these
extremists and terrorists get their inspirations from the Quran? On
one hand you tell me that you want to remain a Muslim, this means you
agree with the violent teachings of the Quran. It means that you
agree that the evil founder of this religion was indeed a messenger of
God and all his crimes were okay. Then on the other hand you say you
refuse to let the extremists have it all their own way. If this is not
hypocrisy I do not know what it is. I have shown that Muhammad was a
pervert, a mass murderer, a rapist, a misogynist, a narcissist, a
schizophrenic and a liar. You say you don’t care. And at the same time
you become a follower of this monster and want to make us believe that
you don’t want to hurt anyone. How that works?
I am not going to remove your testimony. I do something better. I
publish your declaration that you have reverted to Islam (of course
without any reference to your identity). What you go through is proof
how devastating Islam is. It shows how intelligent people
succumb under the oppressive domination and mind control of Islam. Your
struggle serves as lesson to others who may be struggling to
unshackle themselves from the manacles of Islam.
Despite your weakness one day you too will come to your senses and
regret having wasted your life with this cult. You will regret for
having contributed to an evil force, for being part of the army of
darkness and for being the moral support for the extremists who murder
innocent people inspired by the same book of death that you uphold. By
being a Muslim you are part of the army of darkness. It makes no
difference whether you fight in the front line killing people or serve
in the kitchen cooking for the soldiers who kill people. You are part
of the same army of death.
Sorry for this intellectual slap. I think you deserve it. You must be
awakened. This slap serves you right. The army of light is marching
ahead with strength and force. We will build the future—a glorious
future of freedom and prosperity, of peace and unity. What is your
contribution to mankind and to the masses of victimized Muslims? And
you can't even decide what is right and what is not? You don’t give a damn whether your prophet and guru
was a murderer. The suicide bomber is convinced in his
wrong way. He will defend his belief. But you are unable to defend
yours and unwilling to think about it. If you had told me
that you want to revert to Islam because you discovered that Islam is
true and everything I say are lies, I would have accepted it better.
Of course I would have asked you to present your proof. But you have no proof.
Yet despite this you
revert to Islam and make excuses that you cannot let the
extremists take over. Why don’t you join other criminal cults then?
The Nazi extremists also need reform. Why not reform Nazism? I do not
know whether I should laugh at this much stupidity or cry. I wish I
could laugh. But my heart is aching. The more I think about it the
more it aches. You are insignificant. I am crying for mankind. I am
crying for a billion victims of this evil cult that like you cannot
rid themselves from it despite the fact that they realize it does not
provide them with answers. I cry for those Muslims who read this site
and like you are unable to decide. This is devastating. We are doomed
as people. Soon we will bring death and devastation upon ourselves. I
see destruction and death everywhere. People like you are responsible.
But who cares anymore who is responsible when most of us are dead.
Now I turn towards the non-Muslims in the West. You can help. All I
ask you is to speak out against Islam. Do not let this lie take over
your countries. If you hear anyone promote lies about Islam that it is
a religion of peace, speak out. Spread the truth about Islam. Do not give in to political
correctness or you will lose your liberty and maybe even your life. Let
the Muslims feel the embarrassment and shame of following a terrorist.
It is better that they become ashamed for what they believe than both
of you lose your lives by them exercising their belief.
As you see
freedom from the clutches of Islam is not easy. This maniac Muhammad devised a mind
control system that is frightening. His description of hell is so
terrorizing that most Muslims, brainwashed in this cult are unable to
think rationally. We need your help. Because the fear that Muhammad has instilled in his followers is
overwhelming, we must increase the pressure of shame and humiliation
to counter it. Let the Muslims be filled with shame, ridiculed and
derided. Haply this pressure will force them to think and liberate
themselves from Islam. This is a psychological warfare. Muslims are
victims of a mind control freak. They must be put under another
psychological pressure to react. If they are left alone they will
gravitate to Islam because that is the only psychological pressure
that they experience. They must be pushed out of their comfort zone
and exposed to a stronger psychological force. Emotions are more
powerful than reason. Being a Muslim must not be rewarded. It must be
stigmatized. Since Islam is a complete intellectual
flop, eventually the Muslims will break down. Eventually the shame
will outweigh their fear. This will liberate them. This is the key to
their freedom from their self-imposed prison of conscience.
I invite the cartoonists to make fun of the Muslims, Muhammad and
Islam. Let those who can write jokes write jokes that make Muslims
look like the idiots of the world. Let us emphasize on their fear, on
their willingness to believe any idiotic belief, on their pretense to
be for peace while supporting the biggest terrorist organization that
ever existed. Let the word Muslim become synonymous to idiot, coward,
brainwashed, zombie and of course terrorist. Muslims need help and
this psychological warfare is the way to help them.
In December 2006. This friend wrote to say that after
so many years of inner struggle, he finally left Islam for good and is now
planning to write a book about his experience.
I was truly happy to hear that and I am a bit embarrassed to have been so
harsh on him. But not too embarrassed. This is a war and I am a soldier. I must
do what I must do. I want everyone see that leaving one's faith particularly
Islam that is so controlling is not easy.