Leaving Islam



A Letter to America from a Terrorist


By Barbara J. Stock  

(The following satire is brought to you by Al Zammooni News, the Arab network favored by terrorists 5-1) 


Dear America ,  

Let me introduce myself.  I am Mula Aba Zimbibi and I am a terrorist by trade.  What can I say?  It’s a career choice that I have made and I am happy with it.  The hours are long but the pay is good.  Well, it was good until your cowboy president drove into a hole in the ground the honorable, good, and benevolent Saddam, the leader appointed by Allah to rule Iraq .  

The Iraqi people loved him!  I realize that a few citizens needed to be disciplined and a few mass executions were required.  Really, those babies needed to learn early to respect their beloved leader.  Saddam did allow them hold their favorite toy as they were shot, did he not?  Is that not the sign of a kind and loving man?  

Since this man Bush took control of your country, my life has been made difficult.  It is certainly not as attractive as it was when that very nice man Bill Clinton was your leader.  Oh, those were the days!  Do you have any idea how high my life insurance premiums are now?  Fortunately, my boss, Osama, pays this for me as a perk of the job, but even he is beginning to complain about the cost of our benefits.  I used to be able to get free health care in Iraq but you have spoiled that as well.  Osama is complaining that all the money spent supporting the surviving members of our families is taking away from money he needs to buy weapons and something called “yellow cake.”  Osama is such a kind man.  That cake must be for someone’s birthday.   

My life was good and each day was a new chance to kill some infidel.  My own son wishes to join me and, of course, I encourage this.  I have told him that as soon as he is taller than the gun I gave him for his third birthday, he may join me.  My baby daughter looks so cute in her suicide bomber nightgown.  One day, that bomb vest will be real and not just a picture.  Women are good for this.  I mean, other than producing more soldiers for the cause, what good are they?  

I must get back to the reason I am writing this letter to you.  Ali Zuwahiri is waiting for the laptop.  The fool plays video games!  Just another evil import from the west but what can one do, good help is so hard to find these days and Ali keeps asking if we need a suicide bomber today.  I can only say that Ali is not the brightest star in the heavens.  He says that after he tries being a suicide bomber, he would like to try to be a shoe-bomber on some large American airliner.   His heart is in the right place--at least for now.  We need more like him.  

I am writing to you all to ask you to please put this man Bush out in the street.  He has made all of our lives very difficult.  Not just mine, but yours as well.  As I listen to the news from Europe, America is not very popular there.  This is George Bush’s fault.  You see, in Europe , they are wise.  They have decided that if they leave us alone, we will leave them alone.  This is true!  All they must do is convert to Islam and all will be well.   

Mr. Chirac is a very good man.  He has sold us weapons and he did everything he could to keep the good and kind Saddam in power.   As I understand it, most of Europe loves John Kerry and he has promised to carry out a more “sensitive” war against us.  Now this is music to my ears.  I am a very sensitive person.  When I behead someone, I use a very sharp knife, not those cheap dull ones like my friend Abu Zarquwi in Baghdad .  That is very bad form.  I will make you a solemn promise here and now, when I kill you, it will be as painless as possible.  You see, we terrorists can be reasonable and kind.  Even my good friend Yassar prefers Mr. Kerry.  What more do you want?  Followers of Islam all over the world prefer Mr. Kerry.   

However, if you re-elect this man Bush, well, what can I say?  I and my friends will be very angry.  Life has been very hard since Osama struck your evil center of western culture.  How were we to know that Bush would take it personally?  America never paid much attention before and we only killed a few thousand of you.  Is that worth a war?  Really, there are over 280 million of you, what’s few thousand here and there?  

Your own past secretary of state, Madeline Albright, said as much in a speech when she reminded people that it really was just a few Americans dying, what’s the big deal?  Oh, how I long for the days when your president just considered me a “nuisance.”  Life was so good then.  I had plenty of money and could meet every weekend with the family and plan out my next attack without being bothered.   

I am begging you to have pity on me.  I have a family to feed just as you do!  I am very sure that once you understand my plight and see that my cause is a good one, you will see the error of your ways and give up the evil American life style.  Imagine; you American men, how happy you will be when you can beat your wife whenever you wish without punishment.  You can sell your worthless daughters to pay off your debts!  If you see a pretty woman, you can have her and the great thing is she is the one punished for it!  After all, she should not show her ankles like that.  These are just a few of the wonderful things of Islam that I know you will embrace as I have.  American women, wouldn’t you rather look at that good looking Mr. Edwards for a few years than that grouchy looking old man, Dick Cheney?  

     So, when you vote on November 2, 2004 , please keep me in mind.  Keep my small son in mind.  Bush has made our lives difficult and Kerry will make my life so much easier by consulting your good and loyal friends in Europe , like Mr. Chirac, before he retaliates against me and my friends.  

      If you vote Bush out, I promise you that we terrorists will carry out our takeover of the Middle East first, before we turn back to you.  That will give you a few years of relative peace, like you had in the 1990’s!  Isn’t a few years of peace now better than all this fighting?  Think about it.  You Americans are into this instant gratification life style.  Worry about tomorrow--tomorrow.  Listen to the lovely people at the United Nations because they are good and honest people.  Saddam told me this.  In conclusion, please vote for John Kerry--for me.  Do it for the children.

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