A Letter to
America
from a Terrorist
By Barbara
J. Stock
(The
following satire is brought to you by Al Zammooni News, the Arab network
favored by terrorists 5-1)
Dear
America
,
Let me introduce
myself. I am Mula Aba Zimbibi
and I am a terrorist by trade. What
can I say? It’s a career
choice that I have made and I am happy with it.
The hours are long but the pay is good.
Well, it was good until your cowboy president drove into a hole in
the ground the honorable, good, and benevolent Saddam, the leader
appointed by Allah to rule
Iraq
.
The Iraqi people
loved him! I realize that a
few citizens needed to be disciplined and a few mass executions were
required. Really, those babies
needed to learn early to respect their beloved leader.
Saddam did allow them hold their favorite toy as they were shot,
did he not? Is that not the
sign of a kind and loving man?
Since this man Bush
took control of your country, my life has been made difficult.
It is certainly not as attractive as it was when that very nice man
Bill Clinton was your leader. Oh,
those were the days! Do you
have any idea how high my life insurance premiums are now?
Fortunately, my boss, Osama, pays this for me as a perk of the job,
but even he is beginning to complain about the cost of our benefits.
I used to be able to get free health care in
Iraq
but you have spoiled that as well. Osama
is complaining that all the money spent supporting the surviving members
of our families is taking away from money he needs to buy weapons and
something called “yellow cake.” Osama
is such a kind man. That cake
must be for someone’s birthday.
My life was good and
each day was a new chance to kill some infidel.
My own son wishes to join me and, of course, I encourage this.
I have told him that as soon as he is taller than the gun I gave
him for his third birthday, he may join me. My
baby daughter looks so cute in her suicide bomber nightgown.
One day, that bomb vest will be real and not just a picture.
Women are good for this. I
mean, other than producing more soldiers for the cause, what good are
they?
I must get back to
the reason I am writing this letter to you.
Ali Zuwahiri is waiting for the laptop.
The fool plays video games! Just
another evil import from the west but what can one do, good help is so
hard to find these days and Ali keeps asking if we need a suicide bomber
today. I can only say that Ali
is not the brightest star in the heavens.
He says that after he tries being a suicide bomber, he would like
to try to be a shoe-bomber on some large American airliner.
His heart is in the right place--at least for now.
We need more like him.
I am writing to you
all to ask you to please put this man Bush out in the street.
He has made all of our lives very difficult.
Not just mine, but yours as well.
As I listen to the news from Europe,
America
is not very popular there. This
is George Bush’s fault. You
see, in
Europe
, they are wise. They have
decided that if they leave us alone, we will leave them alone.
This is true! All they
must do is convert to Islam and all will be well.
Mr. Chirac is a very
good man. He has sold us
weapons and he did everything he could to keep the good and kind Saddam in
power. As I understand
it, most of
Europe
loves John Kerry and he has promised to carry out a more “sensitive”
war against us. Now this is
music to my ears. I am a very
sensitive person. When I
behead someone, I use a very sharp knife, not those cheap dull ones like
my friend Abu Zarquwi in
Baghdad
. That is very bad form.
I will make you a solemn promise here and now, when I kill you, it
will be as painless as possible. You
see, we terrorists can be reasonable and kind.
Even my good friend Yassar prefers Mr. Kerry.
What more do you want? Followers
of Islam all over the world prefer Mr. Kerry.
However, if you
re-elect this man Bush, well, what can I say? I
and my friends will be very angry. Life
has been very hard since Osama struck your evil center of western culture.
How were we to know that Bush would take it personally?
America
never paid much attention before and we only killed a few thousand of you.
Is that worth a war? Really,
there are over 280 million of you, what’s few thousand here and there?
Your own past
secretary of state, Madeline Albright, said as much in a speech when she
reminded people that it really was just a few
Americans dying, what’s the big deal?
Oh, how I long for the days when your president just considered me
a “nuisance.” Life was so
good then. I had plenty of
money and could meet every weekend with the family and plan out my next
attack without being bothered.
I am begging you to
have pity on me. I have a
family to feed just as you do! I
am very sure that once you understand my plight and see that my cause is a
good one, you will see the error of your ways and give up the evil
American life style. Imagine;
you American men, how happy you will be when you can beat your wife
whenever you wish without punishment.
You can sell your worthless daughters to pay off your debts!
If you see a pretty woman, you can have her and the great thing is
she is the one punished for it! After
all, she should not show her ankles like that.
These are just a few of the wonderful things of Islam that I know
you will embrace as I have. American
women, wouldn’t you rather look at that good looking Mr. Edwards for a
few years than that grouchy looking old man, Dick Cheney?
So, when you vote on
November 2, 2004
, please keep me in mind. Keep
my small son in mind. Bush has
made our lives difficult and Kerry will make my life so much easier by
consulting your good and loyal friends in
Europe
, like Mr. Chirac, before he retaliates against me and my friends.
If you vote Bush out, I promise you that we terrorists will
carry out our takeover of the
Middle East
first, before we turn back to you. That
will give you a few years of relative peace, like you had in the 1990’s!
Isn’t a few years of peace now better than all this fighting?
Think about it. You
Americans are into this instant gratification life style.
Worry about tomorrow--tomorrow.
Listen to the lovely people at the United Nations because they are
good and honest people. Saddam
told me this. In conclusion,
please vote for John Kerry--for me. Do
it for the children.
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