JANNAT SHUTDOWN -
By Alie Siraj – 6-September-2005
All of a sudden, Jannat, the Heaven, the Islamic
perfumed garden, the ultimate goal of any believer of Allah, the abode of the
jihadi shahids / martyrs was shut down indefinitely, due to heavy rush of fresh
entrants, thus increasing its population much beyond its original capacity,
designed around 1400 years ago!
So, as a pre-emptive measure, Allah had decreed the
shutdown of Jannat - sine die, and closed its doors with an explosive
All currently booked fresh entrants just before the
shutdown were now being accommodated in a new annexe, miles away from the
The scenario on earth:
1. Advantages of being an Islamic
Shahid or martyr
In fact, the jihadi mujahids -cum- the Shahids or
martyrs also give up their precious lives as suicide squads exploding themselves
against the targets of non-believers and apostates with bombs and though killing
in the process, many unintended innocent passers-by. So what!! Have they not
wrecked damage to their intended target > non-believers and apostates - as
per Quranic command? These killers, sorry, these shahids/martyrs who laid
down their lives are assured of a place in Jannat. That is the only criteria to
be reckoned here. Who is worried about world’s opinion? After all everything
is done in the name of Allah. That is enough.
2. Advantages of being a Muslim
while being alive:
It is extremely natural for the jihadis to target
the undefended civilians because it is the easiest and least risky. Moreover,
amongst the unintended targets of civilians too, there must be definitely, at
least one, a few or many sofar unidentified non-believers /apostates of Islam
who are fit to be killed. So, in such cases, it is also justifiable to attack,
kill, loot and annex their properties, and rape their women. In this sacred
Islamic religious duty, they not only follow the Quranic dictates of Allah but
also, follow exactly the strategies of their prophet, Mahamood# in his many
murderous expeditions about 1400 years ago. So, the Jihadis need not have
to have any qualms or iota of guilty-conscience. The moot point is that the
Muslims earn a comfortable living, while being alive also by this profitable
proposition of - kill, loot, and rape philosophy. That is all.
3. Empirical proof of success of
This orderliness (?) of attack on the undefended
civilians yielded fantastic profits in terms of ghanimat (spoils) of Zan, Zar,
and Zameen, women, wealth, and land respectively for the messenger. Chengiz
Khan, Mohammad Ghaznavi, Afghan warlords and Moghal invaders, all followed this
very same strategy successfully on their periodical attacks against
. They were able to establish new Empires, expand their kingdoms, rule and
subjugate the conquered, demolish their temples and build in the very same
locale, the Masjids for Islamic worship and propaganda. The present day
outfits like LET, (Lashkar–e-Toiba), HUM (Harkat-ul-Mujahideen, HUJI (Harkat-ul-Jihad-al-Islami,
and et al (all based in
) also follow this successful strategy.
See the many splendoured advantages!
What a bright path the Messenger of Allah, Mahamood, (peace be upon him) had shown to his followers. Quite a leader!
Besides, these are but small step
towards Islamisation of the world. Several small drops only make the ocean!
Don’t be puzzled by these pearls of
Now coming back to Jannat problem
Allah was much worried among all Gods of religions
in the cosmic space of Heavens.
He was debating within Himself whether the current
situation was at all entirely due to the illiterate Mahamood’s reckless
promises made in Quran in Allah’s name to suit himself at that time or was it
all due to the transmission loss of His communication through Gabriel to
Mahamood. Anyway both Mahamood and Gabriel escaped the blame, but, as
super-boss Allah, He had to take the entire brunt of blame upon Himself for the
conduct His delegated staff.
Moreover, on further investigation, Allah found out
that besides problems of new entrants, there were already problems from the
Jannat inmates inside.
Since the problem involved was about the past,
present and future management of Jannat, Allah wanted to probe thoroughly into
the ‘why and how’ of things so that the exact diagnosis of the quandary
could be made for a remedial and permanent solution.
Allah took out his writing pad as if a Systems
Analyst, and began noting down the points on His analysis on Jannat crisis.
did the inmates find their entry into Jannat?
It is simply killing innocent non-believers or the
apostates of Islam.
No inmate ever reached Jannat, the hard way, like in
all other religions in terms of service to fellow humans, personal sacrifices,
penance, malice towards none, and love & charity for all etc.
disposal programme in Jannat?
It was a one-way ticket to Jannat
(only entry with no exit)
was the daily routine of Inmates?
Ha! Daily routine! What else, whole-time sex with
Houris & young boys, at times with their original devoted /obedient wives
too. It was because:
No need for observance of five pillars of Islam
i.e., No-Shahadah / Kalima (No-affirmation of faith), No-Salat (No-five
times prayer – So, no-Adaans), No-Zakah (No-obligatory Charity of 2.5%
p.a.), No-Sawm (No-fasting in the month of Ramadhan) and No-Hajj (No-pilgrimage
) and no more Jihad. So, sex is the only way to spend their time. (What is
wrong in spending their time like this, when there is plenty of time with no
other work to do and the availability of willing Houris & young boys for sex
and their ever-helping hands to fill up their cups with intoxicating wine after
every sip, thus keeping the cup and their lip constantly brimming. The
gracious Allah had also rewarded the Jannat inmates with another blissful bounty
- the sexual prowess to satisfy one and all in one go too – what more anyone
can ask for!!).
is the composition of Inmates?
To be honest, the whole lot of inmates could be
classified as unsocial (KDs) known desperados in earthly parlance. Most of them
were illiterates who were mentally tuned and trained for rape, loot, mayhem,
treachery and bloody murders.
what are their other vocations in Jannat over and above sex?
The inmates had formed their own Unions Country wise
/ Sect wise (Sunnis & Shias).
There were factions like, Al Amin Hussaini (an
advisor to Adolf Hitler on Jewish Final solution) Brigade, Tikka Khan of
Pakistan (the proud Islamic hero of rape of many Bengali-women and slaughter of
two million Bangladeshi Hindus and countless Bengali-Muslim professionals,
intellectuals and students of the Universities) Brigade; the Mongol (Chengez
Khan) Brigade, Moghal Brigade etc. There were constant skirmishes and minor to
major fights amongst the inmates.