I am a former Muslim convert and very happy to find a site with stories of
those, who have lost their faith in Islam. I pretty much thought I was the
only western loser, who has tried to "seek the truth" in other
I wanted to send my story. It is a very pathetic one
I come from a Scandinavian country and was born and babtised Christian. As
a rebellious teenager I separated from Church. I never truly believed in
Christianity. It seemed shallow – rituals, a few times a year and this
notorious immoral western way of life for the rest. I wanted to be truly
spiritual, truly believe in something and follow a righteous path. After
reading a few years Islamic propaganda I converted to Islam when I was
little more than 20 years of age.
I have always hated the lifestyle of western students and drinking alcohol
especially. So I felt at home with fellow Muslims, they seemed nice and
warm people, they gave me books that pretty much told me that Islam
respects women, even more than western culture, is peaceful and perfect in
every respect. I had some problems with my parents about my new religion,
they didn't like the fact that I was wearing hijab and dressing in
different gowns. I felt extremely good thought. One year I was perfectly
happy, reading the Quran, hadiths, posing as a "modern" Muslim
and censuring my own writings (I'm an artist and writer and considered
some of my poems and stories too pagan for a good muslimah)
Then started the marriage business. I realized, that Muslim marriage was
not a romantic one, the mosque I attended tried to find me a suitable
husband, even for someone who could gain nationality of my country through
the marriage. I started to feel somewhat used. I realized that I didn't
like arranged marriages. I turned to a Sufi sect that claimed that they
were tolerant and modern and wrote in their web pages beautiful poetry
about love of God and so forth.
I should have red about dangerous cults before contacting them. I deeply
regret my actions of the following months.
The doctrine of those Sufis was basically this: Their leader was some sort
of holy person, noble birth, mystical powers and everything. To learn to
love God was to love him. To worship God was to serve him. I red a big
deal about Sufis, so I thought that was all very spiritual and wise. But
what does loving the leader mean in the real life? For a young woman?
I was so naive that I still cannot believe it all. They used all the
classical mind-control tricks, late hour meetings, non stop talking,
strange staring, flattering, and threatening with divine punishments. I
was very close to become part of the leader's harem. It took me awfully
long time to understand that my initiation really was to have sex with the
So I basically escaped. I cried for days, went to other country as an
exchange student to get away and cut all my ties with every Muslim I knew.
In the new country I did something I have never imagined I could end up
doing. I went to shower, washed myself and afterwards repeated several
times "I don't believe in God, I don't believe in God..." It
felt like I had escaped from prison. I had had terrible nightmares about
that cult leader, about hell. Now it all ended. I cannot call myself
atheist, so, after reading a lot about philosophy and religions I became
pantheist. I consider it more as a philosophy than religion and nature is
the only thing I can worship and adore. Because of my experience I am
truly afraid of every organized religion and religious leaders especially.
Now, 2 years after all that horrible experience I am happier than ever. I
call my idiotic path as "unlightening" Some people find a
religion and say they see the light. I didn't see anything but
manipulation, falsehood, narcissism and downright abuse. So I am happy and
cynical and pessimist at the same time. I cannot talk about this to
anyone, I don't know what my parents would do if they found out about the
things that the cult leader tried to do to me. Because I am adult I cannot
say it was anyone else’s fault. I learned the lesson about Islam and
cults in general the hard way. Last year I was still afraid of that cult
and that they could harm me in some mysterious way. I cannot totally get
rid of my suspicious thinking and paranoia.
I cannot imagine what could have happened, if I had married as the mosque
wanted and ended up as a Muslim wife. I have not heard many stories
similar to mine. A lot of western women convert, marry and seem to
be very happy afterwards. I am now single, pagan and haunted with
that mistake I made for the rest of my life. I have only a few
friends, because I alienated myself from my fellow students. Somehow my
hatred for religions is even growing. I simply hate to read religious
texts and especially watch religious people talking on TV. I hate the way
they smile that "I have the truth" smile. I am a student of
history and the more I read about history the more I feel that religions
have always been in the way of freedom, peace and harmony amongst people.
I think that religion is only a personal matter and it should never been
used in politics or to control others in any way.
Most of all I feel like an idiotic three times turncoat. I don’t know if
I can ever fully forgive myself. As I said, this is all my fault.
(Please don't reveal my name in anywhere.)
Dear Unelightned. Actually you
have found enlightenment finally. We all find it in different ways. You
had to go through this experience to find it.
Let me assure you there are no
happy marriages with Muslims. If some women pretend to be happy, that is
all façade. These women who convert to Islam and marry Muslim men live in
hell. They can’t tell you the truth and often they try to convince
themselves that this is life and they have to accept it. Most of these
marriages end in divorce. There was a man with whom I had a long debate. I
am not going to reveal his name here because he revealed his real
identity. He bragged how he respects his western wife and how he believes
in equality between men and women. This person wanted to show me that
there is also an “enlightened” version of Islam, of which the mullahs
and the majority of Muslims are unaware. A year later, his estranged wife
wrote to me and revealed about this man’s hypocrisy and how much abuse
she had endured in his hands. She said to be the one who wrote those
responses to me at his instruction and often objected saying but this is
not true and he told her the important thing is to save the image of
Islam. The poor woman said she complied out of fear but never felt neither
respect nor love from this “moderate, enlightened” Muslim husband.
Join our forum and meet other
ladies who will tell you their horror stories after marrying Muslim men.
It is not that Muslim men are not good. The problem is that Islam
dehumanizes them and to the degree that they believe in Islam they become
abusive and dangerous.
Islam is a tool of domination
and control. The purpose of Islam is to fool people in order to use them.
You are very lucky and smart to realize this and save yourself in time.
You don’t have to be embarrassed about your experience. I think you
should talk about it with your parents and friends. You were very young
when you joined this cult and you did it because you were lied to. But you
were wise and intelligent to see through the lies and leave this cult.
There are others who are too weak and too dumb to do that. Do you remember
the poor Belgian woman who went on a suicide mission in
killing nine innocent people and blowing up herself? Be grateful you were
smart enough to see what that wretched woman did not see.
I am glad you shared your
story. Please promote it so other inexperienced young western girls can
see the trap that is set for them and hopefully avoid this dangerous cult.
Join our forum and become part of the movement of eradication Islam. There
has been a reason for you to go through this nightmare.