I thought it might be a nice idea to write a testimony of
my leaving Islam, at Least so that other people might benefit from it.
I should probably introduce you to myself, my name, or my
alias, is ahboo. It is silly, but it is easy to type, just an anagram of
my real name.
I live in a Muslim middle eastern country which is not
Egypt, this narrows it down a bit, but you don't want these details at
all, suffice it to say all my friends are Muslims, and all my family
members are Muslims, and at this point In time (December 2003), my
future-wife is also a Muslim.
I am nearly 20 years old, and I study biology, MY NATIVE
LANGUAGE IS ARABIC, and I speak it much better than many people do. The
reason I left Islam? That a complicated story! But let me make some
things clear first.
I am not like many ex-Muslims, most of them convert in
and out of Islam, and those who had been Muslims all their lives had
lived in secularized countries.
One thing I had always thought about was, if the truth
was obvious, why then couldn't people come and sit together and agree?
Why would there be people who vehemently defend the un-defendable? Why
are there factions in science and Society… and religion?
I know these words might be read by Muslims, and I want
them to know I am human too, although I am not a Muslim anymore, but you
should consider what you read, don't shut the door, and "just
know" I am wrong, so many people shut the door nowadays, and that
is the reason of all trouble in the world. I was a strict Darwinist, an
evolutionist, and whenever people asked me whether I
"believed" in evolution, I'd say "what? Are you kidding?
OF COURSE I do." And the interlocutor would go like !!!!!".
I never thought that there could be people, who had views
of their own, or who even dared discuss science with such ignorance, I
never defended my views vehemently, but I expected people to treat the
holder of ideas with respect, people don't "disagree" with the
theory of relativity just because they don't like it.
The problem was I never realized evolution had so many
radical results and consequences, or that religion was so much opposed
to it. People just won't let go. And then I started my research for the
truth, or the so called truth, and I found this site (FFI). At first I
dismissed this site as biased, or at least I could find
"counter-arguments" to anything said here. But then again, was
I too an apologist?
I wrote things in the forum, under this name, and that
was when I really started to doubt Islam, and the story is related there
much better than I can relate it now.
I must say that western ex-Muslims are much luckier than
I am, for they have some set of beliefs, a thing to hold dear, while I
have nothing, all that is around me is Muslim. All the people I know are
Muslims, and I feel terribly lonely at times. But it comes and goes, so
does the anger and the feeling of betrayal. At some points I want to
scream and let them all know I am not a Muslim, and I am not afraid of
being an apostate, but fear for my family from being hurt stops me, and
maybe fear of alienation, I would be truly an alien then, a "not
from us" being, someone you can cast stones on and kill without
fear of punishment, it may not go as far as death, but social death is
Today, some ignorant fools "challenged" me to
"prove" Evolution. How lame the proofs they used, how stupid.
I told them that god "created” man through evolution, and
still..., they believe that Adam and Eve were real. That they were 30
meter tall as it is written in the hadith.
sometimes question my sanity. Am I the wrong one? Or is something wrong
with the world, I can't be right. With so many people against me, I
mean, the truth is obvious, so why won't people believe?
Someone even started pulling me, I got angry and nearly
began a fight, and this was one of my best friends, I only have 5 good
friends, and I was alone discussing with them today. Hell, if god
existed, couldn't he have made his existence clear? But now I know in
the depths of my heart he does not exist. There may indeed be a
"creator", as in a "reason for existence of our
world", but a god who answers prayers and helps the poor? The
bitter truth, or maybe this is the forbidden fruit, or forbidden
I don't want to feel sad anymore, but these are the last
points I want to mention
1. If there is anyone like me, please inform me of your
existence, I wish to physically see an atheist or even an agnostic. Here
are my emails: email@example.com
always reply if I get the Message. (You can also PM me on FFI).
2. Below is a testimony I wrote when I was feeling
frustrated to ISIS, but I never sent it. So it might as well be useful.
I don't write coherently, I know. But this all I could manage. English
is not my native language and it feels awkward a little.
3. If any Muslim wants to write to me, in order to
convert me back, then he (or she) is welcome. I never close my mind to
new ideas. Who knows, I might well have been lulled/hypnotized by
4. If any other fellow biologist wants to read about
atheism, then I recommend Richard Dawkins, the www.world-of-dawkins.com
site is great, also are his books. You have of course read the origin of
5. If you are one of my Muslim friends who know me
personally, and who could deduce who I really am, then all I have to say
is "please don't spread this around, but tell me you know, this
will cause my parents and relatives to be rejected, and you don't want
to hurt them so much. I am not stupid enough to go public, but if you
do, I'll kill you. (That is not to be taken literally. I don’t kill
people. It is just an expression)
The ISIS testimony written in the form of self interview.
Were your parents religious?
Yes, they are religious, but they don't practice or
perform prayers all the time. Only occasionally!
2. What was their mother tongue?
Arabic, I live in a Muslim Middle Eastern country, which
is not Egypt.
Did they know Arabic?
Of course they did. They only speak Arabic.
How often did they go to the Mosque?
I don't remember seeing them in a mosque, but I'd say a
couple of times in my lifetime.
Education: did you go to Kuranic school?
No, I went to a regular school, there are no Kuranic
schools around here, they are a relic from the past.
Do you understand Arabic?
Yes, perfectly. It is my native tongue.
Did you read the Koran? Did you understand it?
Parts of it, I memorized about 20% of it in school, when
I was a kid and I was taught religion during high school.
When did you start questioning religion? Islam?
When I was 18, I studied biology in school. And it just
felt funny how people kept saying Darwin was a Jew, Darwin was a
deceiver, Darwin was so and so..
So I decided to find the truth for myself, and one thing
led to another.
Was there someone who encouraged you in your free thought?
No, and I take pride in that.
Were you influenced by any book?
Yes, books by Richard Dawkins, and the origin of species
(I still can't find an Arabic version, nor a paper English version).
11. Were free thought books
available to you at home? In town? At friends’?
No, they were not.
Do your parents know about your present feelings?
No, and I don't intend to let them know.
Does anyone else in your family or circle of friends know?
No, no one knows. It is suicidal to declare that kind of
thing in a Muslim society.
What do you think would be their reaction?
Whose reaction? No one knows. It's a well-kept secret.
Do you feel threatened?
No, I'm too smart to tell anyone.
Have you been attacked physically for your beliefs?
How would you describe yourself now?
This is just a rephrasing of stuff I had written on www.faithfredom.org,
Hmmm. I guess leaving a religion you have grown into
secretly, is a traumatic experience. I used to think people who spoke of
"mental pain" and "psychological wounds" were
sissies. But some of these wounds can be deadly. I survived, but it is
not easy abandoning a lifetime myth. I still want to believe that it is
true, although I know that it isn’t?
is strange, how you change your view of things. It is like losing the
grip of the tree you have been hanging to amidst a storm. My initial
reaction was anger, blinding rage… who did this to me? Who is
responsible? I needed a name, someone I could strangle to death with my
hands and watch his face twitch in agony as the darkness clasps on him.
I still feel the rage, for I want to believe someone is to be blamed. I
lost my peace of mind.
The most agonizing thing is that no one knows what I go
through. They still believe unquestioningly, pray and go on with their
lives. I can say nothing.
I first came to this forum I said that I wanted to kill them all. I feel
bruised and abated. At times I want to retreat to my fanatic shell.
These apostates, living in the west, have no clue of the pain someone
living in an Islamic country goes through when he discovers the truth.
It is not easy to live with the fear that someone may discover you. No
one else is there. There is no one thinking like me around me. There are
no atheists here. I never heard of one, and if they exist here, they are
non-existent in my world. I want to live my life, among my friends and
relatives. To lead a normal life, they [the apostates] denied me this
right. I am an atheist and not an atheist. I am the opposite. I really don't know where to go from here, but I don't need
anyone's help. I have always helped myself.
I wonder if there are people who are in the same trauma
that I find myself. I know that every feeling I experience, must have
been experienced by another human being. I'm not unique.
Never mind, but I wish to say something to a man, Richard
Dawkins, I have always adored you and your books. Hell, I love even your
articles. But I must say, if you hear me, or ever get the chance to read
this, know that I also hate you. I can't really explain the feeling
well. I always thought of you highly, and sometimes wish you were dead.
Thanks for reading. Why don't you check some other
testimonies? There are some great ones, like the ones by Ampbreia and
soy yo, and there was the one by Abu Lahab, and that
one whose writer's name escapes me about his travels in Italy, and
how he stayed with an old couple, and the excellent depiction of the
These are some good pieces of writings on this site,
personal and sincere. Check them out, but remember to use your head and
make your own decisions, it's not shameful to stay religious, atheist
are not smarter or anything, they just have a different view of the
Ahbooooooooooooo (told you it's easy to type).