I've been hijablfree for about 4 months now. Those who know my story, know that one of my brothers and my father disowned me after I was caught out downtown without my hijab back in September.
Now, my brother and I are finally speaking again. My dad is in town (he spends most of the year working out of town), and although my relationship with him is strained, as always, it is clear that my mother has spoken to him, and he is slowly accepting my decision.
So now, the point of my post:
I've been going through a hard time for the past couple of months, to say the least. I've found myself completely disinterested in my hobbies, ignoring my friends, being easily irritable, have screaming fests with my mother almost on a daily basis, hating my job, hating school, having the worst luck in every aspect of my life. The list could go on forever.
Although my mother and I argue a lot, she has witnessed a lot of what I've been going through.
Usually, when I raise my voice to my mother, she screams back. This one time was different:
She picked me up from work, I had had the worst day imaginable, for many reasons. She knew something was bothering me, and she kept pushing for me to tell me, til I finally caved.
I was screaming out all my frustrations, about life in general [at this point, my father and brother still weren't talking to me] This time, she didn't scream back. Instead, she looked over at me, and calmly said: "Return to Allah. He will guide you through these hard times. I'm sure you've noticed that your life started getting difficult after you strayed from the religion. Just start praying, saying du'aa, and just put yourself in Allah's hands. I promise you, life will become so much easier" She kept speaking, but I tuned her out. It was the last thing I wanted to hear.
I didn't respond.
Did she truly find out that I had apostated? How could she possibly know?
And something else that bothered me....
She was right. My life took a steep turn downhill immediately after I stopped believing.
Have you ever gone through anything similar? Ever considered leaving behind all the knowledge about the collection of lies that Islam truly is, and returning to Allah to have a sense of security in your life?
I almost feel guilty for feeling this way... I know Islam is wrong, according to the information I've acquired with the help of this forum, among other websites, books, and debates. But... my father has the whole Qur'an memorized, my brother is extremely religious, my whole family is on an unavoidable path of Islam, and I'm the only one who managed to stray away. They've read all the contradictions and the horrid contents of the Qur'an, yet they're religious. Why? Could the possibly be right?
I needed to get that off my chest, thanks to those who read.
The problems you are facing have little to do with what you believe or don’t believe. They are rooted in the emotional turmoil that you are going through. Maybe you are suffering from depression. Hiding the fact that you are an apostate from your very religious and fanatical family that are capable of harming you and endangering your life may have a lot to do with these emotions.
First let me tell you that you cannot go back. Believe me; I tried it for two years. I struggled with myself and with my thoughts, I prayed, I read religious books, I stopped reading religious books and did whatever I could to regain my faith to no avail. I have written about this experience in my article, From Belief to Enlightenment.
You can’t go back. If you don’t believe me give it a try. Start wearing hijab, pray and fast and make dua. Do these things sincerely and beg Allah to help you. Eventually you will start wondering who are you trying to fool. Just like a child who after being born into this world can’t return to the womb of his mother, once you are born into the world of enlightenment, you can no longer go back to the world of belief.
You know the biblical story of Adam and Eve. Our alleged progenitors ate from the tree of knowledge, their eyes were opened and they found themselves naked. When God saw they are trying to cover themselves, He asks them “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?" They were naked but they did not know it until they ate from the tree of knowledge. Adam responded “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it."
Adam laid the blame on his consort. Eve was created from Adam’s rib and was given to him as his helper and companion after it had become clear that no other animal could suit man as his companion.
Adam and Eve represent man and his intellect. This myth symbolizes the fact that human intellect is a product of human evolution. It is the companion that makes us distinct from all other animals. As it came to pass, Eve tempted man to eat from the tree of knowledge. Isn’t this what is happening to us every day? Our intellect is constantly tempting us to poke our nose into the unknown and find answers to all the enigmas that the world has kept under seal.
What was the result of this curiosity and consequent transgression? God became angry and…
Gen.3:17 To Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not eat of it,'
"Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life.
18 It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field.
19 By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return."
This is where you and I find ourselves. We have transgressed, because we have broken the law that governs all sentient beings, i.e. submission. We dared to think and hence defied the natural law that says, 'thou shall not think,' to which all animals have said, 'amen.' Man has rebelled. Our intellect gave in to curiosity. She was tempted to learn the truth and we gave in to her. As the result we saw the absurdity of what we were taught, our eyes were opened and we found ourselves naked. We saw through the invisible cloak with which we thought we were covered and found out that it is all lies and deceptions. Thus we were kicked out of the paradise of ignorance.
Ignorance is bliss. Once you learn the truth you lose that bliss. Now that we are cast out of this paradise, the fruits of ignorance do no longer reach us. They belong to those who are left behind, who still believe, who have not eaten from the tree of knowledge, who mindlessly roam in the paradise of ignorance called faith, oblivious of truth and unaware of reality.
Are they happier? Of course they are. Weren’t you happier when you were a child and not aware of the problems that afflict the world, when you did not have to worry about how to provide for yourself and everything was given to you in a silver platter? Can you bring those blissful days back? Alas you can’t. The carefree days of childhood are gone forever. Now you have to earn your living. Through painful toil you will eat, through thorns and thistles you will find your food, and by the sweat of your brow you will make your living. This is your punishment because you grew up and because you became intelligent. Now you are responsible for your life. Had you remained an imbecile everything would have been provided for you. There is a price to pay when you grow up. It is called responsibility.
The only consolation that I can give you is that you are not alone. All of us who once believed went through what you are going through. It was painful and difficult, but we made it. You can learn from our experience, accept your new reality and strive until eventually you grow your own garden. Alternatively, you can try to go back to that blissful paradise called faith and see if the cherubs and its gatekeepers will let you in. I know they won’t. I was there, knoking hard at its gate, begging and suplicating with utmost sincerity, but I was not allowed to go back. Its doors were closed to me and they will be closed to you too. You have seen the truth. That place is for those who don't know. The sooner you accept this reality the sooner you can get along with your life. But give it a try if you don't believe me.
What I tell you is only a suggestion. At the end it is up to you to decide what is best for you. Remember, you are kicked out of the paradise and free lunches are over. From now on, no one can teach you the “path.” It is your own responsibility to find it.
I suggest that you find a flat for yourself and live independently from your family. Our eastern cultures are not healthy for our growth. Once a person reaches the age of maturity he or she must be encouraged to become independent. Often families, after the kids grow and become adults become toxic. It is not natural to stay in the family for a long time. This co-dependency prevents growth.
An experienced gardener, plants seeds in a nursery close to each other. When they germinate and reach a certain size, he separates them and gives them space to grow independently, otherwise they suffocate each other. We humans need parental love and the companionship of our siblings until we become adults. After the age of 18, we have to start learning how to stand on our own feet and find our own space.
If you have a job, find a flat or share one with a friend, but don’t live with your parents. You can find a place close to them, meet them every day if you wish but have your own space when you need to be alone. This will not only help you to keep your sanity, it will also strengthen your relationship with your family, because it takes away the toxicity from the relationship.
Your father and brothers have memorized the Quran. They have a good knowledge of Islam but little understanding of it. I have never claimed to be a scholar of Islam. Despite that I have challenged the biggest scholars to debate with me and I have won whoever I have debated. Why? Because I understand Islam, whereas they know it! There is a big difference between knowing and understanding.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Let me explain this with a picture. Please take a look at Escher's waterfall and suppose it represents Islam.
Muhammad showed this picture to the gullible people around him and told them this is how to build a kingdom, marvelous and out of this world. On the surface it looks amazing. Water falls on a wheel that makes it turn and throgh an aquaduct goes “down a ramp up” to the same spot to fall again. Thus the perpetual motion is acheived. “This is a miracle,” he told his followers and they believed him. He sold this picture to them very expensively. They paid for it with their lives, waged wars and killed millions. They are still killing and dying in the hope that one day they will build it. It is therefore dearer to them than their lives. Thanks to their sacrifices, Muhammad became powerful, wealthy and filled his harem with a bevy of young and pretty women.
There were many who actually saw that there is something wrong with the picture, that it is not a miracle but a hoax, a fraud, a deception, an illusion. But they did not dare to whisper a word. Those who did were silenced brutally as a lesson to others. Eventually everyone believed or was forced to pretend so. Master painters beautified the picture and and decorated it exquisitely.
I am talking about Muslim thinkers, apologists, mystics and scholars who extolled the emperror's invisible cloak and donned the deception with the mantle of credibility.
Through violence and forceful indoctrination millions of people were brainwashed to believe in this “miracle” and the faith of one was confirmed by the zealotry of others. “How can all these people be wrong?” each person asked himself and silenced his own nagging mind. Those who believed more were praised and those who doubted were chastised. Muslims gazed at this hoax since their birth, generation after generation, lauded its virtues, praised its beauties and marvelled at its alleged miracle. They memorized every detail of it. Eventually everyone came to believe in it. They see nothing quite as beautiful and miraculous like it in the world.
Time passed, the world advanced, those who did not fall for this deception got along with their lives. They learned science, built real wheels that actually worked and revolutionized the world. They did not rely on illusion, but on science. Eventually, they built something truly amazing- the Internet.
The Internet allowed people from all over the world to talk and express their opinions anonymously. This gave those who could see the fraud of Islam the opportunity to expose it. Now they could say anything and not fear decapitation the next morning. So they unmasked Muhammad as a charlatan con man. They made the world see that this pervert fiend had a diabolic mind. That he had no scruples or conscience. That he thrived thanks to his big lies and by making foolish people commit the most despicable crimes promissing them bogus carnal rewards after their death. How could those fools come back and expose his lies? It was a perfect sacm. With the Internet, those who could see Muhammad's fraud unveiled him and exposed his tricks and deceptions in the same way that this video exposes the illusion of Escher's waterfall.
For the first time the masses of Muslims started to see the truth about Islam and hear stories that they had never heard before. These truths were shocking, but facts are undeniable. So Muslims started leaving Islam and what started as a trickle became a torrent.
Thanks to the Internet, more and more Muslims are seeing the fraud of Islam with their own eyes. Once you see the deception there is no going back. Once you learn the truth there is no unlearning it. You can no longer fool yourself believing in a lie. That is why I am convinced that Islam will fall. The deception is exposed. All it takes to bring this house of cards down is to let the world see the truth. How difficult is it? It is as easy as tap tapping on your keyboard.
Of course awakening is not easy. People who have invested their entire lives in this fraudulent picture don't like to hear that they have been duped. They will try to cling to it faster. How many times you heard Muslims say, “My faith grew after reading faithfreedom.org?” We know that is not true. How can one’s faith grow after learning the man they worships was a pedophile, a rapist, a mass murderer, a thief and a sadist torturer? The truth is that their faith is shaken. What has grown is their desperation to salvage it. They will protest, “How dare you insult our faith and our intelligence?” We are not insulting either. We are only exposing the deception. It is they who insult their intelligence by believing in a patent lie.
Your father and brothers probably know the details of Islam a lot better than you, but they do not see the big picture. You don’t need to know every detail of Islam to know that it is a lie. In fact you need to disentangle your mind from the details to see the big picture. You don’t have to be an Islamic scholar to win in debates. Ordinary people like you and me can overcome any scholar of Islam. It is because we see what they don’t.
Islam is defeated already. It was defeated from its inception. It has survived because Muhammad and his benighted followers brutally suppressed the truth. That is no longer possible. Muslims still are doing their best to supress the truth. They have persuaded EU Parliament to pass laws banning criticism of Islam and those traitors and useless idiot do whatever it takes to appease Muslims for their votes. But at the end we will win because truth can no longer be suppressed. Technology has finally come to the rescue of truth. The days of Islam are numbered. This hoax is exposed. All it's left to do is let the world see it.