ISLAMIC HARAM AND HALAL
By: Ayesha Ahmad
haram to marry an adult pagan woman but halal to marry an underage Muslim
haram to steal an egg from a Muslim, punishable by cutting hands and feet,
but halal to rob non Muslim's
commercial caravans, rewarded by share of the booty.
haram to slaughter an animal in a name other than God but halal to
slaughter a human being in the name of God.
haram to befriend a Jew or a Christian but halal to kill them and sleep
with their wives and daughters.
haram to watch television but halal to watch beheadings and stoning.
haram for a woman even to show her face to a namahram man but halal
for a man to disrobe
and inspect a namahram woman before buying
her in a slave market.
haram to buy mortgage to acquire a house for your family but halal to buy
a woman from a slave market to sleep with her.
haram to trade alcohol but halal to trade human beings.
haram to listen to music but halal to listen to wailing of innocent women
and children of the beheaded critics
haram to see a movie but halal to kill an infidel.
haram to bet on a horse for entertainment but halal to steal a horse from
an infidel for a living.
haram for a woman to have more than one husband but halal for a husband to
have more than one wife.
haram for a husband to hurt his wife by treating other wives better, but halal for him to hurt them all by acquiring and
sleeping with unlimited slaves and captive women.
haram for a wife to refuse her husband even on a camels back but halal for
a husband to beat her up with a lash and green stick if she refuses him.
haram to even break the heart
of a single innocent person if he is Muslim, but halal to behead all the
innocent men of a community
and sell their innocent women and children in slavery if they are non Muslims.
haram to attack and and injure enemy women but halal to enslave and rape
halal to stone a woman by burying her in a hole dug to her shoulders to
maintain her "hijab" but haram to stone her on a flat ground and
risk her "hijab".
It is halal to let young grils burn in fire but haram
to rescue them if they do not have hijab.
COMMANDMENTS OF ISLAM
By: Ayesha Ahmad
1 Thou shalt behead apostates,
pagans and violators of blasphemy laws, it is halal for you.
2.Thou shalt extort money from
Christians and Jews, the future hell dwellers, and if they refuse, kill
them. But do not hurt their women and children, it is haram for you.
However thou shalt enslave them, rape them or sell them for profit, it is
halal for you.
3. Thou art guaranteed
paradise and 72 big bosomed houris (and/or charming young boys), along
with other fringes, if you cough up big bucks and take a trip to Mecca.
Poverty stricken chaps and losers among you who cannot afford the trip,
can earn the same privileges and more by participating in Jihad and
killing the infidels. The jihadis will get the additional bonus of sharing
the booty and beautiful women from the captured infidel lands.
4. Thou shalt marry a maximum
of four wives at a time, except for my messenger whom I have exempted from
this limit since his needs are equal to the needs of 30 horny men. However
Thou art allowed to change your wives at will for variety and maintenance
of your harem quality by divorcing them and acquiring younger specimens.
Old bags lose their charm and excitement and must be replenished with a
fresh supply. Try to acquire younger and better looking ones preferably
virgins, leave the older ones and ugliest for the losers and old
5. Thou art allowed to have
unlimited number of slaves and captive women and have sex with them, it is
halal for you. Gay guys among you will have to wait for their fun, we will
provide them with charming young boys in paradise. Alcohol lovers, hold
your horses until you make it to the paradise, there will be rivers
flowing with wine, up there.
6. For those amongst you who
have pedophilic tendencies, we have made underage children halal for
marriage and your carnal pleasure. However let them keep and play with
their dolls while you are at it so that their attention is diverted from
their pain and shock. Thou art also allowed to marry your daughter in law
in case you keep getting excited by her voluptuous body every time you
happen to see her in skimpy clothes.
7 Thou can demand sex from
your women any time and anywhere, even on a camel's back. Thou shalt keep
a lash or a green stick handy in case they refuse and need a good beating.
However while doing it on a camels back with your wife, make sure that the
hijab is maintained by keeping all yours and her body parts covered with
the burka during the action. In case of doing it with your slave girl on a
camelís back hijab requirement is exempted, you are allowed to enjoy the
sunshine and the fresh air along with her curves.
8. Thou shalt not listen to
music, watch t.v. or go to the movies, these activities are haram for you.
However thou shalt take your family to watch beheadings of apostates and
kafirs, cutting of hands and feet of petty thieves, and stoning of
adulterers, their viewing is halal for you.
9.Thou shalt not indulge in
haram professions like selling non halal meat, food items with lard in it,
or confectionary even with 1% liquor in it or working in interest charging
banks and mortgage companies etc. Thou shalt only indulge in clean and
halal means of earning livelihood like slave trading, looting infidel
caravans and communities, killing Jews and acquiring their goods and
properties, extortion of jizya and kharaj from captured lands, and booty
earning bloody Jihads.
10. Ramadan Rules. Thou art
not allowed the pleasure of eating or drinking during the fast (except for
wives who have to taste food lest their husbands beat them up for cooking
foul tasting food) but thou art allowed to kiss your wives, slaves (only
female) and the women your right hand posses, to wait out the rough
afternoon hungry period. Thou art not allowed to eat pigs but thou art
allowed to pig out after breaking the fast. Thou art not allowed to have
conjugal relationship during the fast but art allowed to break a fast with
sex instead of food. Husbands are allowed to prohibit wives from fasting
to keep the ladies fresh and beautiful for a romantic evening after a hard
day of fasting.