Alternative title: Muslim Paranoia

Satire

Recently, Feb. 2018 the Iranians reported that the agents of the Great Satan (the west) were using lizards which according to an Iranian “expert”, one Hassan Firuzabadi “the senior military advisor to supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei”, had skins altered to “attract atomic waves” and were thus able to spy on Iran’s nuclear program – you know the one that is certainly definitely absolutely undoubtedly NOT about making nuclear weapons – thus the lizards “were nuclear spies who wanted to find out where inside the Islamic Republic of Iran we have uranium mines and where we are engaged in atomic activities” all of which Iran has certainly definitely absolutely undoubtedly declared as it is supposed to under the terms of the Obama treaty. Paranoia is alive and well in Tehran it would seem.

But this is not the only instance and they are not the only ones …

In this 2013 report a Kestrel with a ring bearing the legend “24311 Tel Avivunia Israel” was handed over to the Turkish Authorities on suspicion of being (shock, horror!) a spy. The Turks then X-rayed the bird to find out whether or not it was carrying embedded surveillance gear – it wasn’t. But this didn’t stop the Milliyet newspaper carrying a front-page image of the radiogram with the title “Israeli agent”.

In 2012 a press report claimed that the Israelis had been using a bird to spy on Sudan – at least that is what the Sudanese claim; based on the fact that the bird, a vulture (no doubt the Muslim Sudanese thought a vulture spying for Israel particularly apt), was fitted with solar powered GPS equipment capable of making transmissions to a (“spy”) satellite. The Sudanese were alerted to this “heinous Israeli plot” because the bird was also ringed and tagged with “”Israel Nature Service” and “Hebrew University, Jerusalem” – how very clever of the Sudanese to spot this and thus deduce the bird was on a spy mission!

Sanity injection: this unlucky bird was but one of a hundred so fitted for a study on migration patterns – but that would spoil the “evil Israeli Zionists” story, now wouldn’t it?

The Israelis were alerted to the fate of their “flying super-spy” when “all of a sudden it stopped flying and started traveling on the ground”. No doubt the “I-spy masters” of the Israel Nature and Parks Authority ground their teeth in frustration at the thwarting of their “evil plans”.

Okay, enough with the satire – for the moment.

Also in 2012 was this story: An “article in the Turkish national daily Haberturk was serious. A European bee-eater, (Merops apiaster) was found dead in a field. Its leg had a metal ring stamped with the words “Israel Tel Aviv”. One of its nostrils was suspiciously large. Turkish Authorities reckoned it was evidence that electronic surveillance equipment had been stuffed inside. For some Turks, it all added up to Israeli espionage.”

In 2011 a Griffon-vulture was found (similarly equipped and tagged to the 2012 vulture) in Saudi Arabia and which resulted in similar stories in the Muslim press in Saudi and elsewhere. The Saudi newspaper al-Weeam said residents of the area in which the bird was caught called the tracking paraphernalia “evidence of a Zionist plot.” (shock, horror).

In 2010, there was the “sharm el-shark” as it was known in the U.K. press. In Egypt the fact that it attacked in a tourist area was enough to spark press rumours that it had been trained by Mossad (shock, horror) for that very purpose! It too had GPS gear attached which the Egyptians thought was a “directing device” – with which Mossad could “steer” the shark to attack (non-Israeli) tourists (“Left a bit Levi, right a bit, BITE!”)

In July 2008, the “Palestinian” press e.g. Al-Ayyam and Al-Hayat Al-Jadida, reported that Israel was “using poison resistant super-rats to drive Arab families out of their homes in the Old City of Jerusalem.” These rats were so enormous that they were scaring all the Arabs’ cats away and (presumably) had been trained to only afflict Muslims and not the many Jews who also live in the area.

Then we have the “Great Squirrel Nutkin Spy Conspiracy” in 2007. Iran captured 14 “spying squirrels”. The stories vary a bit and the Iranians can’t decide who actually trained them – but I bet Mossad is amongst their list of suspects, along with the “great satan” and “little satan” of course (perm any number you choose!). I do wonder if the Iranians had watched too many of Hanna-Barbera’s “Secret Squirrel” cartoons on satellite TV before making this stunning discovery and deduction.

In the previous millenium (just proving that Muslim paranoia isn’t a recent development):

In the late 1970s Sudanese authorities detained an Egyptian Vulture that was fitted with Israeli tracking gear as a “spy” and repeated this nonsense in the early 1980s with a similarly tracked White Pelican. It really does seem that a bird-ring labelled (e.g.) “Israel Nature Service” or “… University, Jerusalem” or ditto “Tel Aviv” spells I-S-R-A-E-L-I S-P-Y to the Muslim Sudanese.

However all this “Israeli bird spy” stuff is just so passé. It is as nothing to what the Americans, aka the GREAT SATAN can do…

According to Pakistani websites, it was the CIA and RAW that caused the devastating floods in 2010. This “proves” that the Americans have control not of such irrelevancies as birds and sharks, but of the forces of nature themselves.

In this instance I am forced to wonder whether some of the cloud formations spotted during the monsoon spelled “CIA” to the over-heated (despite the deluge) Muslim minds.

It goes without saying (but I’ll say it nevertheless) that the idea that birds, squirrels, rodents, lizards and sharks could be used as spies is paranoic at the least and quite possibly verges on the insane and the idea that anyone can control the weather is insane – we can’t even predict it with accuracy (in changeable weather) more than 24 hours ahead in the U.K.

But since it is a full moon tonight (as I write this) I will be lunatic enough to entertain (I choose my words carefully here) the idea that it’s all true and that Mossad is recruiting from the animal kingdom…

You’ve really got to hand it to Mossad and the “Zionist plotters”.

Not only do they use HUMINT (human intelligence sources) and ELINT (Electronic intelligence sources), they are now using ANINT (Animal intelligence sources).

According to the Arabs, Mossad have trained birds, fish (the shark) and mammals (rats, according to Hamas last year and squirrels, Iran) for “espionage”.

Various vultures, pelicans and even small birds (e.g. bee eaters) all out-fitted and trained by Mossad’s BIT (Bird Intelligence Team) are obviously flying all over Arab and other Muslim lands collecting all sorts of pictorial and other data. Who needs multi-million dollar (or Shekel) spy-satellites when you can have hundreds (as admitted by Mossad – it’s purported to be Hebrew university and the Israeli Nature Service saying this, but they’re Mossad fronts obviously) of much cheep-er flying “platforms” to do the job.

Fish, working for Israel’s FSB (Fish Sedition Board) are not only being used to attack Egypt’s tourist industry, but (undoubtedly) will be trained in future for a range of other economic espionage jobs – such as leading fish schools out of Muslim fishing areas and straight into Israeli nets, thereby depriving good Muslims of needed protein and simultaneously reducing the cost of living for the Zionists.

Rodents, trained and equipped by the SRI (Section for Rodent Intelligence) will be used to gather intelligence (like the “secret squirrels”). More nefariously the SRI’s more shadowy sister agency the RAB (Rodent Attack Board) has plans even more inimical to the welfare of the Umma. Evidence has been revealed by the Brothers of Ihkwan -Muslim Brotherhood- (it’s a bit of a rat’s nest actually) that defines part of the RAB’s aims: “…eliminating and destroying [here a word has been eaten] civilization from within and sabotaging its miserable house.” Obviously the missing word is “Muslim”! (See footnote 2.) We also think that the RAB is training rats to attack Muslim Countries by gnawing away at their infra-structure in particular such things as skirting-boards and power cables, thereby fulfilling it’s aim.

Birds, fish and rodents. What’s next?

Having tackled the birds, mammals and fish I suppose we should next expect to hear reports of reptiles and amphibians spying for Israel, Mossad will soon catch up with the Great Satan, assuming it wasn’t really them anyway!

Nile crocodiles that attack Egyptians will have been co-opted by Mossad’s FRA (Fieldcraft, Reptile Attack) unit. These crocs won’t attack tourists on the beaches, oh no! Only Egyptian Muslims (plus the odd Copt perhaps) who use the Nile will be attacked.

I’m sure Mossad are also working on training insects (think how many Mossad operatives THAT would give them !!).

Specially trained termite-eliminators “terminators” will be developed to attack only the wooden structures owned and used by Muslims.

All these insects trained by the DIA (Directorate for Insect Attack).

Every time a Muslim contracts malaria it will be because s/he has been bitten by a Mossad-trained mosquito or “Mossadquito” for short and ravening hordes of bed-bugs and fleas from the Israeli BIA (Biting Insect Authority) will descend on Muslims world-wide to make their sleeping and waking lives a constant misery.

Once Mossad have subverted all the world’s fauna they’ll have to start on the FLORA.
Just imagine … all those plant spies releasing “deadly gases” (such as oxygen) into the atmosphere all around the poor oppressed Muslims. Not to mention the climbers and creepers that could gain access to all sorts of Top Secret buildings – unless they are cut back every few years (but Mossad is very patient).

Furthermore, consider the damage that could be done to Muslim homes as the roots of these specially trained plants undermine their foundations causing subsidence and collapse.

No doubt Israeli ‘farmers’, in reality operatives of Mossad’s DGIPI (Directorate of Ground Insertion and Plant Invasion), are hard at work surrounding Palestinian homes along the borders of ‘occupied Palestine’ with these elite attack troops!

Mossad’s ultimate triumph will still be yet to come of course.

Having subjugated the animal and vegetable kingdoms, they will have to move onto the mineral kingdom!

Oh the horror for the Muslims. Just consider how, in future, every choking sand-storm or dust cloud will be working on Mossad’s orders as ordered by the GRU (Ground Resistance Unit).

Every time a vehicle bogs down in sand or mud it will be because the treacherous ground is under Mossad influence, every landslip cunningly planned by Mossad’s SBU (special boulder unit).

As if this was not bad enough to oppress the poor innocent Muslims there is also the GREAT SATAN who clearly controls the weather, having snatched it’s control from the Rightful Hands of ALLAAH!

No longer are the so-called “natural” disasters that befall the Darul Islam the will of ALLAAAH. Oh No! They are now all part of a plot of collusion between the GREAT SATAN and the ZIONISTS – those twin founts of all evil, MOSSAD and the CIA now jointly control the weather – as our Noble Brothers in Pakistan proved merely by their assertions!!

Thus the Noble Umma is under attack from all sides! The natural world and the forces of nature co-opted by the enemies of Profit Mohammed PNBUH and ALLAAAAH to oppress us!

There is only one solution, brothers: sword-JIHAAAAD! ALLAAAAAH AKHBAR!

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So then you see, when any “calamity” (great, small, trivial or self-inflicted) ever befalls a Muslim it will be MOSSAD’S and ISRAEL’S FAULT and will have “all the hallmarks of a ZIONIST/CIA plot”.

Oh … um … well yes, no change there then.

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Footnotes:

1. All but one of the acronyms used in this article are those of real-world intelligence (“spy”) agencies.
2. http://www.discoverthenetworks.org/viewSubCategory.asp?id=1235