A Lady liberal wrote a lot of letters to the White
House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being
. She received back the following reply:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our
treatment of the Taliban and Al Quaeda detainees currently being held at
administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and
clear here in
. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to
be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or
LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we
have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal
detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed
guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed)
is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant
caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of
care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we
hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal
problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are
correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand
that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in
hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a
pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these
skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of
explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep
those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters
(except sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This
is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show
violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that
he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy
the anonymity offered by the burka-over time.
Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his
culture and his religious beliefs"-wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when
folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good
care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching.
is a photo of Ahmed valiantly showing off the severed head of an Indonesian