Strange feeling

[fool_i_was]

Hi all (not s.a.this time)
After 9 yrs of being a convert ive decided. Im leaving islam. Feels so strange to say it.
For so many yrs while saying prayers or islamic phrases ive had the feeling inside of me, "what kind of nonsens is this". I tried to belive, i really did, ive cried so many 100000 times for not "getting it". Not feeling one with Allah while praying, feeling irratated when ramadan comes rather than happy, hating the hejab, hating the double standard in islam, feeling like an outsider. And most of all feeling sick with myself definding islam with all those sentences i was brainwashed with.

"Hijab is a protection for the women"
" Having 2, 3,4 wifes is not obligatory, its was to help the widowed women in the time of the prophet"
"islam is peace"
"When we fast we clean our body and mind"

I woke up. Im so much smarter than this. My father will be proud of me once again.

[Stripes]

((((((((((((((((((((([hugs])))))))))))))))))))))) to you and for your bravery.

I'm new to this forum too so I hope you stick around like me...

[Richard_The _Lionheart]

Welcome to FFI.
I'm always interested in reading about people who converted to Islam, especially after they eventually leave Islam. I hope you can share more of your thoughts here.

What religion did you belong to (if any) before you became a Muslim?

I'm always interested to know what attracted you to Islam? What did it seem to offer that other faiths didn't?

I'm looking forward to reading your reply.
_________________
What the world needs is not dogma but an attitude of scientific inquiry combined with a belief that the torture of millions is not desirable, whether inflicted by Stalin or by a Deity imagined in the likeness of the believer. - Bertrand Russell.

[mtdreaming]

Hello and a big welcome

I too am interested to learn your story and i look forward to your posts.

MT

[fool_i_was]

Thank u both for ur answers.

Im a swedish woman,from a "good family", educated parents, normal upbrigning. Although i come from a christian family i didnt find any greater intrest in that religion, it was far to "unexotic" for me. I was looking for something diffrent, maybe not a religion itselves, but something diffrent.
And then came the man....
The arab man with the hazel eys and the big heart. (after that the jeaulos man, the selfish man, and the dubblestandard man)
I feel in love. With him and all the things around him. We debated religion for a while. It was hard argumenting against him cause i had almost no knowledge about christian faith or islam, so of course i was an easy target. by this time his mother had heard of me and was disgusted by the "swedish whore who took her little boy". I neved showed how hurt i was by this, but belive me i was, i tried my best to come close to her, i wanted so bad to be accepted. My new plan was to amaze them all (the big family) with my great big knowledge...
I got the quran and read it. I had read about reverts getting enlighted and started crying etc while reading it. I didnt feel it. I was more confused. Most if the quran consisited of rules what to do and what not to do, diffrent kinds of judgements for this and that. Just alot of hate and punishments. Not did i find anywhere the sentence "God love u" without is being followed by "if u are patient or obidient" etc.....
Still i was fascinated. It seemed smart to follow a book who had all the answers in front of u. How to act, do, say och think. And with the hadiths u also get how to pray, how to have sex, how to sleep how to whipe after visiting toilet, how to eat, how to great....u name it, it was all there. And most important, i would belong to something. i would belong to his family and i would be a sister in islam (at this time i had already met those "amazing" reverts in mosalla). So i took lessons from the local imam. brainwashed. I became the perfect muslimah. My parents were of course upset, but didnt reallly know what to do. My husbands family (now he could marry me with a clear conciense) was happy. Not about me, but about him who had managed to convert me. Mashallah, what a good son, brother, man he was! And he taught me well, i was, what they would call, obedient.
Personally, i was confused. The more i tried to get close to God, the more i feelt bad. It was never enough, sunnah prayers, dua´s, cooking food for his friends, reading quran, learning arabic, saying bye bye to christmas, being his private server at home. And still, i didnt "feel it". The more quran i read, the less i feelt. I cried convinced i was a bad muslim, shaitan was inside of me. I went to imam and he said i didnt believe enough. I need to pray more. I prayed nites and days, crying, not sleeping, still, i didnt feel anything. At ramadan i always fasted wihtout problems but the last yrs i cheated when noone saw me. then of course i feel so guilty i had to pray all nite. I went to an arabic country to study Quran, stayed for 3 months, still, didnt feel it. I had knowledge, but still my brain was empty and so was my heart.
I got pregnant. I almost lost my child at birth. of course because my iman was weak, i was told. After that i went into depression. Managed to start univeristy again and now i finished my bachelors. I divorced, am a singlemom and finally i have let it go. I was never convinced, i guess i wasnt that fooled after all lol. Allthough i was stupid enough to let a man and my love for him make me something im not. And still its not over. My child has a muslim father. Still, ill deal with that later. My heart and soul are free. Im free.

[mtdreaming]

Well good for you, your a very brave lady.
You sound like someone that feels free, well i guess you are now lol but i mean by the end of your story i picked up a good feeling from you

About your child though, i gather that children born to muslim parents or even just a muslim father are then muslim by birth.
Will you try to change that and have him faith free so he can decide for himself when he is old enough ? (hope you dont mind me asking).

We do hear a lot that the father has the right over the child, but i hope this isnt the case for you...

Best wishes to you x

MT

[Runesinger]

I'm so glad you came to your senses. I seriously hope you are back in Sweden with your child. Whatever you do, don't go to any Islamic land, nor allow your child to go to any Islamic land. Women and children have no rights in Islamic countries.

Is your Swedish family still friendly to you? They can be a great support to you.
_________________
Runesinger

"An armed society is a polite society. Manners are good when one may have to back up his acts with his life." - Robert A. Heinlein


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtOka1ZOLHE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUmnb3LfLDA

[Eopithecus]

Islam wasn't your problem, it was your love life. Falling in love with a man whose culture you didn't know, was the problem. His mother's non-acceptance of you was a huge red flag you chose to ignore. Stop looking for answers in the past and start creating your own. With a college degree you know more than any pack of superstituous prophets, believe in yourself, have faith in yourself. Who damn cares whether the Mountain moved to Muhammad, he is dead, it is your turn now to move the mountain. Have at it girl, you have the rest of your life!!!
_________________
Confirmed Evolutionist: Biology is God and DNA is the Messanger of God

[Richard_The _Lionheart]

This is all too common with people who convert to Islam. A young lady is swept off her feet by a charming Muslim man. He treats you differently than a Swedish guy would, this makes you feel good about yourself as he's not like every other guy you've ever met or been involved with. So you fall for him. The problem is he's always had the ambition to make you a Muslim.

I'm pretty certain his attitude towards you changed when you became a Muslim and when you got married. He might have loved you once but Muslims always love Islam more than anything else, including people.
_________________
What the world needs is not dogma but an attitude of scientific inquiry combined with a belief that the torture of millions is not desirable, whether inflicted by Stalin or by a Deity imagined in the likeness of the believer. - Bertrand Russell.

[Galadriel]

[ixolite]

[Runesinger]

FIW:

Now do you ever say to yourself: "Damn! what was I thinking!"
_________________
Runesinger

"An armed society is a polite society. Manners are good when one may have to back up his acts with his life." - Robert A. Heinlein


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtOka1ZOLHE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUmnb3LfLDA

[fool_i_was]

Yes, its true that love was what brought me to islam. Nevertheless, after my divorce i STILL considered myself a muslim and i practised more and more. I couldnt leave islam, it was all i had left. This is common among converts. It starts with love, in many cases with men with little knowledge of islam but from cultures where HONOR and OBIDIENCE are big words. After divorcing the convert usually gets great help from the local muslim community finding a "real muslim man". And so it continues....

Most of the convverts i meet that converted before me also left islam before me. In the beginning i considered them as "false", "weak", "fake" , later ifound them to be strong and honest to themselfes.

Most convert say they were intrested in islam before finding the muslim man, this is usually crap. But to get a higher status among other muslims, its better to say that u studied ur way into islam. Many of them later do take lessons and study hard and becomes very strict, this is a part of the conversion process that exists in all kinds of conversions in all kinds of religion. First u feel in love with the religion, everything is wonderful, after that u get extrem and u do it "perfectley" with details, after that u fall back and start to search for ur real identity. Many convert that marry for example arabs become more arabs then the arabs themselfes. Although i will honestly say that many converts know much much more about islam than born muslims do. Ive meet so many, in my case arab muslims, that know islam is right and ive asked them how do u know, they answered "it just is". They can hardly pray, never read all of Quran, never studied the life of Mohammed or the other prophets, never read about any other religion, still they know "its right".

I helped many girls convert to islam. My husband used to bring his friends swedish girlfriends to me and my job was to show them "the beauty of islam". I choose the beautiful ayas about paradise and left out the more horrifying parts. It sounded really beautiful, sisterhood, womens right in islam, having a purpose in life, being seen as a pure clean woman, not beeing judged after looks and bla bla bla. Most girls were inlove up til the neck and did what ever the man asked her. Getting them to say shahada was not that hard after few months smiling and taking care of them. The hijab and polygyni was the most difficult subject. The hijabissue was a concern but i usually said that its between the woman and God and that she didnt have to take it right away. usually the grouppressure was big and the girls became muhajaba after few months. I also said that the girls could write in their marrige contract that they wouldnt accept that the man had a second wife and hearing this, most girls very relaxed. Of course no man agreed to have this put in the contract.

Love is what get the women into to islam, their brains are what get them out.
Someon asked if im not now thinking "Damn! what was I thinking"
The problem is i wasnt thinking, that is what islam is all about, not using ur personal mind, thoughts or desire. If ur stray from the road ur iman is weak and u start to panic. Its not easy to find ur way back, i left islam not long ago and still i wake up at nite thinking i should pray, im going to hell before i get myself togheter and think, yeah right, im free....

[Runesinger]

I think the burning in hell is just a scam that is foisted by the monotheistic religions. I believe in the same religion as your ancient ancestors. It's called "Asatru" or "Forn Siðr." We believe that the next life, whether in Asgard or hel or Vanaheim is no more permanent than this life. It's all about the growth and development of your body, mind, and spirit.

http://www.forn-sed.no/
_________________
Runesinger

"An armed society is a polite society. Manners are good when one may have to back up his acts with his life." - Robert A. Heinlein


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtOka1ZOLHE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUmnb3LfLDA

[Ariel]

I am happy you are free from Islam fool_i_was.

A shame you are using this nick.. You are no longer a fool, and please don't feel guilty.
Your time was not wasted. You learned a valuable lesson, and now you can help other fooled young woman , and free them from Islam..
_________________
Tabari IX:69
“Killing disbelievers is a small matter to us.”