Upset, frustrated, unsure how to help my husband…
Dear Mr. Sina and staff,
Whether or not you choose to print this is up to you, I am simply in need of guidance.
Against the wishes of my family (they feared me marrying a Pakistani Muslim) and to the upset of my husbands family (I am a white American from a Jewish family) we married alone, in a new state, with only a few friends at our side, 2 weeks after his arrival via fiancee’ visa.
My husband is an intelligent, insightful, wonderful man who trusted me enough to confide that he had serious doubts about his religion. I phrase it this way because in Islam there seems to be no room for ever voicing a doubt. In Pakistan doing such goes against the constitution and is punishable by death, quite literally, on the spot.
The opening of this can of worms came about when I, studying to learn about Islam (I was trying to revert), needed explanations for some of the things I was reading. We looked together and the more we read, the worse it got. We found Faith Freedom and it has been a significant help in my husband being able to walk away from the religion he was pre-programmed to unwaveringly follow. This site allowed him to feel it was ok to question, ok to decide for himself what to believe in, and ok to be himself- regardless of what he decides to believe in. And I, I will back him and stand beside him throughout his learning process, bar none. I didn’t marry a religion, I married a man.
While we have been careful to not show what is going on to anyone who might mention or share (his friends are on Facebook or calling us) a recent incident made me see more of the problem. Not only is my husband ‘alone’… but I am realizing that his choice has put his life in danger.
Calling and asking the mere question to his family of “Why did Mohammed marry a 6yearold?” just to find the answer, the resulting explosion was frightening. He was hung up on, his father called back and threatened to murder him, his family was crying, yelling, name-calling, accusing him of terrible things, and (of course) majority of the blame was on his “jew wife” as the cause for him even asking. He told me he felt someone else could even come harm him if they knew where he was- an uncle or cousin who may live somewhat nearby. Wow… All he did was ask a question.
Now for the reason I contacted you guys.
How does my husband find others who have left from Islam? How can he maintain the ethnic and cultural aspect safely? I’m scared his life is at risk if anyone finds out.
The nearest south asian areas to where we just moved would probably be Seattle- I saw many stores,people and mosques when we drove around exploring. I feel like he is so alone right now. Are we able to even go to these places? He needs other south asian friends too, but I dont think there are any others in his situation (or rather they would be afraid to raise a hand and identify themselves, same as he is now). He misses the culture and holidays and friendships and foods… but the religion seems to be a huge catch22 as most of those things are intertwined with it. Is there any support group for this??
I am just the wife, but I want my husband to feel safe and have support, and not to feel like he literally gave up everything he ever knew and enjoyed. I want the community aspects for him, but I don’t know how.
Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated. And if you know of any others in this situation, please connect them to us (if you deem them legitimate and safe).
Thank you for any help you can offer.
FFI Responses to Mrs. Infidel
Hi Mrs. Infidel,
Your husband does not need other Pakistanis as friends. All people are the same. We all come from the same African tribe. The point of leaving Islam is to break the walls that Muhammad has erected between his followers and others and embrace all the people of all the races, cultures and faiths.
Your husband has you. That is all he needs. As for friends, they are replaceable. Why can’t you be friends with couples your age from your neighborhood? You can also find couples with similar interest on the Internet.
As for Pakistani food you can find all sorts of recipes on the Internet and together, experiment them in the kitchen. You can also teach him Jewish cuisine. I bet he’ll like them. You can also eat out in Pakistani or Indian restaurants. He does not have to tell the waiters that he is an apostate.
The only problem is the situation with his parents and siblings. For the time being he should not contact them and don’t tell them where he lives. If they already know, maybe you should move. Never rely on the sanity of Muslims. They follow a psychopath as their prophet.
As long as you have each other, you don’t have to worry about others. His challenge is now to integrate into the society and become an American in all regards. With your help this should not be too hard.
There are many Pakistanis who have left Islam. He can find them by talking to them. Churches are good places to meet people. When I used to go to a church I met many Iranians there. Not all of them were believers, but like me, they used to come to socialize.
Wish you the best
I am one of the editors
Hello and thank you for your email and for sharing your story with us.
I am forwarding a copy of your email to Ali. I think he will have some things to write to you about.
For my part, If I was in your husband’s shoes, I would look for Pakistanis who may be more liberal (if the term fits). Your husband should not share his beliefs about religion with them as a starter. Once deep friendships are established, things may change. But I think it is not necessary for him right now to tell anyone that Muhammad was a pedophile (for example). Look, his dad is his DAD. His mom is his MOM. He does not need to upset them by telling them Islam is a big fat lie. Eventually I think some of his brothers or sisters may come to see where he comes from. But this need not be a sudden matter. It has to come gradual. Did not Allah create the universe in seven days (seven time periods that took millions of years). So, why your husband is rushing things with his family. His Mom and dad are older generation. He does not need to tell them anything. He just needs to love them and care for them if and when he can. When you are in a raging river and want to get to the shore, you do not go against the current. You go with the current with a slight angle. That is how you get safely to the shore. This, I believe, should be your and your husband’s policy.
I wish you both the best, and congratulations on your marriage.
I think my brother Ali will have better advices for you. I myself will look for them to read them when he writes you an email.
Wishing you the best
Short URL: http://www.archive2012.faithfreedom.org/?p=19715