How to become a Da’ee (Muslim Preacher)

Life is very uncertain in countries like India and Pakistan . Joblessness is everywhere. Every business is at risk due to sudden price hike and other factors. But if you are a Muslim or have read this article, then you will be able to earn millions even in indo-Pak land. The business, I am going to explain is the ‘Daee’ (Islamic Preacher) business. It can be full-time or Part-time. You will have to grow some hair on your face, but artificial hair can also work. Now, I am going to explain the Do’s and Don’ts of this Business.

  1. You should have good English speaking skills. Because Indian Muslims can easily get impressed by uttering English words even though if what you are speaking is the bullsh*t (excuse my French). Remember that Muslims don’t listen to what you are saying. They only observe how you are saying it. So, use the aggressive style. Speak fluently. Use modern words and catchy examples.
  2. You should be a good crammer. For this, I would recommend some Pakistani Madrassa, So that you can learn all the stuff by heart.
  3. Always wear tight pent shirt with tie to attract the young generation which is fed up with old Mullahs. Use new technology to spread old lies. Use video camera though it is haram in islam, but for this business, you can do ‘ijtihad’.
  4. After your business gets some momentum, involve your whole family in it. Make your brother as speaker, your wife as head of sister wing etc. So that you can multiply your profits. Hire any auditorium and sell the tickets without any concession for poor believers.
  5. Initially, the price of your CD should be affordable. You should give discount to increase the demand on your Cd. You can often arrange a “Peace Conference” or any other type of gathering to sell your books and cassettes. Get your stuff translated into Arabic because Arabs are some of the most rich of your customers.
  6. Speak according to the taste of people. Speak on the hot topic like Sania Mirza , 9/11 and terrorism to get some bandwidth on net and air time on TV Channels.
  7. In the start of you carrier, it is better to spark any controversy like Yazid-Mawia,.. etc. Speak on a controversial topic like Babri Masjid to get the customers attracted to your speeches.
  8. To compete with the other people in the preaching industry, challenge openly some of the famous anti Islamic personalities of the time like Dr. William Campbell. But be aware of FFI. Never try to debate them. This may cause severe kicks to your carrier.
  9. No need to be worried about the debates, you have a universal answer” Oh brother you are speaking out of context.” Mold the verse in your way. And produce a miracle in the blunder.
  10. A most important thing; never forget to announce your victory at the end of the debate.
  11. Debate only with those who can make you popular.
  12. Invite soft people from the other faiths and talk to them. Never debate with the harsh people like Ali Sina,.. etc. This type of people can cause trouble to your business.
  13. Never reply to emails of the anti Islamic people like FFI-ians.
  14. Remember now that you are a part of show-biz. So, show some attitude. Develop a fan site on web space and post some praising comments on your website to get more popularity. You can hire people to do so making your own “research Foundation”.
  15. No need to get Islamic knowledge. Use universal answer ”out of context “.
  16. Make some trips to Arab countries to get some dollars to start you first ‘Islamic’ TV channel.
  17. Now run the remix version of old Ahmad Deedat apologetics on your TV channels. Make the programmers’ titles like “dare to ask”, “peace missile” and “Islamic grenade,”.. etc.
  18. Introduce new products in the Market like “Islamic education system”.. etc, to get more money from the rich Indian Islamic families.
  19. Get the Zakat and Sheep/Goat skin on the Eid event in the name of your TV channel.
  20. Now your business is stable. So, no need for any anti Islamic debates,.. etc. Just tour the Islamic lands and tell them the old spoken stories to earn more money. You can hire people to speak instead of you.

In India this is best and easiest business for Indian Muslims. It is very profitable and everlasting. Therefore, I will suggest to the doctors and engineers of Muslim Ummah to invest in this business and earn a lot of money and hoors (whores!!).

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Posted by on May 10 2010. Filed under Satire. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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