Abusive Muslim Boyfriend

Hello Mr.Sina ,

I am sure that I sound as many other Christian women who are in a relationship with a Muslim man. We all know what is good for us and we still keep some hope that the relationship can work.

I am with this Muslim guy since 9 years .we live in Canada and he is really not practicing Islam. Accept Ramadan, and this is only in the last years. We drink together, have fun together, people love him, cause he is extremely nice with everyone , social and always well behaved .But with me he is very controlling. As longest I don’t oppose him and smile and talk low, he is great .But God forbidden I speak my mind especially in front people he starts insulting me and is really condescending with his worlds . We have few museums friends who are very serious with practicing Islam , and he tries to look good in front of them, no drinking , no smoking. this year (Ramadan ) we had guest over for the iftar , and I help cooking all day , just before the guests to arrive I wanted to relax and have a glass of wine, to relax. My boyfriend made a huge issue from that and told me that I disrespect his friends on Ramadan. and I should not drink . But this is my house too and I welcome them with food on the table, I took care of the house to look good they to feel good, they should respect me too. I tried to explain him but he got furious, screaming and breaking staff. I am very confused what to do.

Can you tell me what you think? why they are such a hypocrites and even if he claims he is modern and goes out, parties, drinks, when is Ramadan he changes and with me he tries to always be right and when arguing he never listens to my arguments. He simply tells me I am stupid and not intelligent and not decent. I am really not that and everyone knows. But for him, in his eyes, I am not even good to explain my argument –he refuse to hear what I feel and think.

Thank in advance.

Kay (name changed)


Dear Kay,

I am afraid I will have to shatter your hope. This relationship is not going to work. Your boyfriend is a Muslim. No matter how wonderful person he may be, there are two negative things about him: His belief and his upbringing. When your lover contracts AIDS it is advisable that you don’t sleep with him. He could be a wonderful person, but would that make any difference? Islam is worse than AIDS. There are no interreligious happy marriages with Muslims. If there is, it is because the Muslim partner is only nominally Muslim.

Your boyfriend believes in a misogynist religion that regards women as inferior, deficient in intelligent, naturally inclined to deceitfulness and sin. That is one problem. The other is that he has grown up in an Islamic society. Misogyny has become his second nature. His father belittled and humiliated his mother. His uncles humiliated and belittled their wives. His neighbors, friends, and the entire society did the same. Women in Islamic societies accept being subservient to men and admit to be inferior to them. Everyone is conditioned to think this way. It seems normal to them because everyone else believes it and they consider anything Islamic better than anything that comes from kafirdom.

As a person that has grown up in a western culture were equality of men and women is accepted as a fact, you won’t feel comfortable with a misogynist Muslim man. Unless you agree to give up your individuality and freedom and accept to be humiliated and abused I suggest you get out of this relationship. Many western women marrying Muslim men give up all these things. It happens so gradually that they don’t realize it and don’t feel coerced. Don’t tell me a woman who agrees to wear hijab has any dignity left in her. A woman who believes her arms, her legs and all parts of her body are extensions of her vagina and private parts that have to be covered has no dignity and does not deserve any respect. If she wants to project an image of herself as a walking talking vagina, she should be treated as such.

Love does not exist without respect. A man can feel attachment for a woman but if he does not know how to respect her mind, her decisions and her independence that attachment is based on need, not love. If you threaten to leave him he may cry, but that is not because he loves you. It is because he does not know what to do without you. He needs you to take care of his emotional needs.

Your boyfriend is also violent. He breaks things. Why hasn’t he beaten you yet? He fears the consequence. You live in a western country and he fears the law and he also fears that you may leave him. Since you are just boyfriend-girlfriend and have no children, it is easy for you to walk away. That would be hard on him. But once you get married and have children, his control over you increases and you may see a facet of him that you had not seen yet.

If I had the right to advise you I would have told you to plan carefully your way out of this relationship. Don’t tell him anything. Once you know you will be safe, leave him and do it in such a way that he cannot pose a threat to you. He may not be that stupid but it is not unheard of Muslim men acting violently towards women who reject them.

The whole Islamic world is narcissist. They all reflect the mental disorder of their prophet. Narcissists are abusive. They have very low self-esteem. They humiliate their nearest and dearest. They put others down so they can feel good about themselves. They also have double standard. They engage in all sorts of vices and want to be perceived as holy people. This was how Muhammad was. They are concerned about their image.

The Islamic world is based on shame and honor. These are narcissistic concepts. Ethical societies base their values on guilt and innocence. In cultures that are based on guilt and innocence, evil is avoided because it destroys innocence and it induces guilt. To have guilt you have to have conscience.

In societies that are based on shame and honor, your only concern is how others view you. The image that you project is more important than yourself. All that matters is that others perceive you as an upright and moral person. As long as you can keep that image, you are okay even if you live a degenerate life. In brief, in shame based societies it is one’s projected image that defines his actions, whereas in guilt based societies it is one’s conscience that polices ones conduct.

When two persons coming from these two opposing world-views become a couple their values clash. The person coming from guilt and innocence culture suffer most, especially if that person happens to be a woman and physically in a disadvantage. In a violent confrontation between a man and a woman, often the latter gets most of the beating. Even without the physical violence, the person with conscience suffers more than the one bereft of it.

To you Muslims appear as hypocrite and you are right. But as far as they are concerned this hypocrisy is the way of life. This is how things have been forever. In the sick mind of a Muslim, the only thing that matters is how others view him. He can be shit inside (pardon the Arabic), but as long as others think he is a good man he can live a happy life with no pang of conscience. When you don’t have a conscience, how can you feel pain in it?

Narcissists are also vindictive. It is not unknown for Muslim men to harm the woman they claim to love if she rejects them. Your boyfriend may not be a violent person (I don’t know then why he smashes things) but he is a Muslim. I advise you to be a bit more cautious when breaking up with a Muslim man. They have such a fragile sense of self that they often can’t take rejection well. When you reject a narcissist you burst his bubble of self importance and he may want to take his revenge.

Since I don’t know your particular case, I cannot give you any suggestions. I am speaking in general terms. In case you believe this man is good and can be salvaged (this is often wishful thinking) you may want to try to speak to him about the problem. The problem is deeper than what he is willing to acknowledge. He may apologize for being rude to you and promise to not do it again. But that does not solve the problem. He is not in control of his actions. He is a victim of a wrong upbringing and a wrong religion. Until he does get rid of these two monkeys, his promises are a dime a dozen.

So speak to him clearly. Tell him you have come to the conclusion that Islam is the problem and is the reason he is behaving in this way. If he acknowledges that and leaves Islam the problem will not be solved, but at least an awareness of it is created. Once you are aware of the problem you are in a much better situation to deal with it.

You have to give him two choices: Study Islam together and discover the truth about it or sayonara. If he agrees to study Islam I suggest you read my book because this book gives you a perspective through which you will be able to solve all its mysteries.

Women who suffer and endure abusive relationship often suffer from low self-esteem. No person who respects herself will stay in such relationships. They immediately can spot an abusive person and will leave him. They often don’t even get beyond the first date with such people. This relationship is not healthy for you. It destroys your self-esteem and this is the mother of all ills.

Ali Sina

Ali Sina is the author of Understanding Muhammad and Muslims.

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