A Letter to Allah


Dear Allah,

Did you see the news?

One of your suicide bombers did not go off. Instead she was hanging about in Islamabad railway station look confused, until she got picked up by the police.

Now, you really need to pay attention to what she said when she got arrested:

As she was taken into custody, Khalida Akhtar also reportedly told officers that she would have gladly sacrificed herself for higher causes if she could trade those 72 virgins for two experienced guys, a masseuse, a butler, and a chef.


Now, listen Allah, your sales pitch for recruiting female suicide bombers is way off. You need Saatchi & Saatchi.

72 spotty teenagers with smelly socks talking about football and “birds” all day long, all demanding a mother figure who cooks, cleans and wipes their noses for them is NOT what women want. In fact it is something they can do very well without. You really could not get it any more wrong, Allah. Offering an electric drill or a set of spanners would be an improvement. Still pathetic, but not quite as bad.

She is telling you what she likes: two experienced hunks, a masseuse, a butler and a chef does the trick. Compared to 72 houris for the men, this request should be a breeze to satisfy dear Allah.  A driver would be good too. Free unlimited use of health spa and beauty parlour would be a bonus. Gucci, Chanel and Louis Vitton. All inclusive holidays in the Caribbean. Diamond jewelry. Shoes. Handbags. More shoes. More handbags. No woman ever has enough shoes or handbags.

So Allah, you really need to get out more. And coming from me, that is saying something. Your paradise is seriously lacking, particularly diamonds, shoes and handbags.

She got it all wrong I hear you say? Offering 72 male virgins was never part of the deal?


So what is it that a woman suicide bomber can expect? A job? As a houri? Now, come on, Allah, you really are out of touch. So after blowing herself up and killing lots of innocent people, all for you, you want to reward her by giving a position as an unpaid prostitute, for all eternity? You are outclassed by the competition: she could go to Bangkok, work as a go-go girl and get PAID! She even can have a day off to do some gardening too!

Really, you seem to be incredibly clueless about women. It really shows that you never talk to any of them. Maybe you are gay? Is that why all your prophets are men?



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