An urgent epistle to Osama


By Abul Kasem 


Dearest brother in Islam Osama, 

Greetings and Assalam-u-alaikum. 

Shukur alhamdulilah!  I hope you are doing well by the grace of almighty Allah, our great beneficent protector. We are a group of dedicated Muslims living in the infidel lands of the USA, Europe, Canada and Australia.  We are citizens of these lands of the infidels but our hearts and mind lie in the Islamic paradises like Pakistan, Bangladesh, India, Afghanistan, Sudan, Nigeria, Iran, etc. We pretend to be patriotic citizens of these infidel lands but deep inside our mind we nurture a great dream. That dream is the vision to convert these infidel lands into Islamic paradises by hook or by crook, no matter how long it takes.  For many many years, brother, you have been what we were looking forward to; a great Muslim leader who will never hesitate to take up sword (in modern day’s parlance guns and bombs) to establish Islam in the dawn of this twenty-first century; who will follow the exact footsteps of our great Paigambar (forgive me for using a Persian word for the prophet who brought the paigam or the news from Allah) (Prophet), Muhammad.  Truly, you are a re-incarnation of Muhammad, no doubt, for every action of yours conforms one hundred percent to the best creation of Allah, i.e., Muhammad.  Please forgive us for drawing an analogy from Hinduism, which is re-incarnation.  This is done just to demonstrate to you how much respect we have for you although in public (in the presence of the infidels) we condemn you and your action.  Please forgive our double standard, too, for we have no choice.  We do not want to give up the comfort provided by these infidels at the same time we also want to convert them to Islam. Don’t you think that our idea is great, brother Osama?  Wouldn’t you praise us for our cleverness and connivance?


Brother Osama, what you’ve accomplished already in a short span of time, no Muslim could ever dream of.  You put a fatal blow in the very heart of America, the ‘Great Satan.’  Thanks to the great hujur¾Ayatollah Khomeini of Persia.  Khomeini could be a maverick, but how can we forget you, brother? You are always on our minds.  Perhaps you do not know how much we admire you for your courage and acuity.  In fact, we consider you next to our dearest prophet.  No joke, brother! Even though we live in infidel lands, we actually belong to your army (in a mental sense, of course). We are the silent jihadis; make no mistake about this, brother!  If only the infidels could open our heart, they could see whose soul is there!  You tell us what to do and we shall surely follow your for the sake of Deen-e-Islam, brother.


Brother-e-Islam Osama, people say you have passed away. To that we say humbug!  We never believed that story.  How could you be dead when you are the true soldier of Islam?  Allah can never let you die. In our heart we simply believe that you are somewhere in central Asia planning your next move to slaughter a few million infidels in Islamic way.  Aren’t we correct, brother? Now, while you are busily passing your time with your new recruits of jihadis, we would like to furnish you some good and some not-so-good information to assist you in your forthcoming jihad operation in infidel lands. 


Do you know brother, how happy we were on 9/11?  Do you know how proud we were on that eventful day? We wanted to shout aloud giving all the glory to almighty Allah but we kept silence. When we met the infidels in public, we shed crocodile tears for them.  Outwardly, we pretended to empathise with their sorrow and despair.  In private, though, we actually offered Shukrana prayers (thanksgiving prayer) for your grand success.  We looked for misqins in the street so that we could have handed them some loose changes, but alas, there were none.  Is it possible brother to do more of 9/11?  Please brother-e-Islam, we are dying to see again the hapless infidels running helter skelter for their dear lives from the Islamic fire and bomb.  Those pathetic sights of bedlam gave us so much of pleasure in our soul. We uttered alhamdulilah!  !  Brother, do you need more funds?  No problem, brother. We are secretly raising money for you, brother. In every mosque, in every congregation, in every Islamic community we collect money from the gullible folks who think that the money collected will be used for the improvement of mosque or for feeding hungry Palestinian kids in Ramallah or West Bank.  How stupid they are!  If only they knew our true purpose they would not donate a single dirham, this is for sure.  See how smart we are!  We do all this for you, brother Osama.  


Dear brother, do you remember Georgionni Pradley, the female British journalist?  She sneaked in the holy Islamic land of Afghanistan by wearing the Islamic raincoat¾Burqa.  Do you recall that she was taken as a captive to brother Omar?  He examined her thoroughly top to bottom but did not find her that attractive.  So, he was very reluctant to make her ‘halal’ for himself following the Prophet’s example of marrying the captives or for a one night stand.  The Prophet married only young and physically attractive captives. Those not so attractive, he chucked them to his foot soldiers.  Amir-ul Mumenin brother Omar also did the same. He found her to be too old and ugly. So, following the footsteps of the Prophet he donated her to a Taliban commander. We do not know what really happened afterwards. But the Taliban commander seemed to be very happy with her. Many of his soldiers thought that she had fallen in love with the Islamic commander, her captor. A few days later, brother Omar announced the release of this old captive lady but on condition that she must embrace Islam. The condition was not negotiable. Brother Omar told her that if she did not convert to Islam, then her Taliban commander would chop her into pieces after making her ‘halal’ for himself.  She had no choice.  She had to convert to Islam to save her life.  However, although not that pretty, she was quite a smart lady.  She concocted a story gullible enough for Mullah Omar.  She told brother Omar that her conversion to Islam during her captivity would be counterproductive, since the whole world would interpret that as a forced conversion.  A better idea would be for her to go back to England and then convert to Islam and talk of falling in love with Islam while under Islamic captivity. What a great idea! Why did not the Muslims think of that! Brother Omar released her immediately and escorted her all the way to the border. However, he cautioned her that should she renege from her promise of conversion she will be beheaded by your al-Qaeda jihadis operating in Britain.  She had to keep her pledge. Now, how great we feel when she announced her conversion to Islam. Immediately after her news of conversion, we flooded the Internet with the glory of Islam.  In prayer congregation, we also announced takbir, Allahu Akbar three times.  Subhan Allah! Subhan Allah!  Witness the greatness of Islam. A captive becomes a convert! Unbelievable!! This is possible only with Islam.  Islam is sure to convert the remaining 4.8 billion infidels if we really follow brother Omar’s footsteps, isn’t that so brother Osama?  Eventually the entire earthlings of 6.2 billion will all become the part of Ummah.  Brother Osama, this is our cherished dream.   


Now, brother Osama, we want to talk about something that had been bothering many of us for sometime. You see, we never had problem explaining the beauty of Islam to the stupid infidels. Almost all of them know next to nothing about true Islam.  They always thought that Islam is just like Christianity or Judaism or worse still, Buddhism.  In fact, we always tell them so. And they ardently believed us.  How foolish they are, come to think of it, brother.  We really admired them for their gullibility. They always thought that you are the only culprit and you are not a true Muslim. They thought that we are the true Islam, until recently. You see, a few of the treacherous among us have decided to tell the truth, that we had been hiding for centuries. These renegade ex-Muslims are now in the business of ‘Islam bashing.’ The world-wide-web is now abuzz with their messages that portray the ‘real Islam.’ It has now become extremely difficult for us to hide our skin. Even that idiot George Bush does not say,  “Islam is peaceful” anymore.  Even that infantile, boyish Tony Blair has stopped showcasing the mullahs in Britain to say that Islam is a religion of peace. Do you know why, brother Osama?  It is all due to the doings of this new breed of apostates who will not hide anything. We feel so frustrated now that all our secrets are out. All our plans to convert these infidels to Islam are now leaked.  It is nearly impossible for us to raise our voice anymore.  Imagine, just about a year ago every infidel trusted us.  No one ever listened to these sly ex-Muslim apostates.  They trusted every word we uttered.  Now a day, they do not trust us any more. They always try to avoid us. Our web sites are lifeless.  Except for our own folks, no infidel visits us anymore. But look at the websites of a few of these renegade ex-Muslims. They have millions of visitors every month. We feel so discouraged.  Brother Osama, please try to understand us.  We did try to finish off these apostates. Nevertheless, it is easier said than done sitting in these lands of infidels.  If they were in Islamic paradises, we would have surely finished them off in no time. Moreover, the infidels are becoming sympathetic to them each day. Previously, this sympathy was totally reserved for us. But it is no more there now. Brother Osama, please do something about this.  We never thought that our own brother would betray us.  But this is what has happened now.  Is it possible, brother Osama, that in your next plan of Islamic genocide of the infidels you include these apostates?  Please treat this matter as very urgent. We must kill this new breed of ‘Islamic Pundits’ if we are really serious to convert these sheep living in the land of ‘Great Satan’ to Islam and establish Islamic paradises in US, UK, Canada, Australia, etc.  Do you need money, brother? We have some money for you, but we are afraid to send this to you in case the secret service catches us. Please, brother, ask your trusty, eternal financier, the al-Saud family. After all, they used to give you protection money in secret so that you do not disturb them.  Also, what happened to your lovable sisters who used to carry dollar-stuffed grocery bags to Kandahar in the pre-9-11 days?  Why not send the house of al-Saud a secret note on this matter?  We can bet that FBI, CIA would never come to know about it. They are hopeless. In fact, if you could get some good financing from the al-Saud family you could have bought over CIA, FBI, and MI6 a long time ago. Why did you not think of this brother?  We are just wondering. 


Many of us have Ph.Ds in subjects like Banking and finance, Economics, Geology, Chemistry, Computer Science, Medicine, Dentistry…and what not.  You name the subject and we can show you a Ph.D holder on that subject.  The only exception is Islam.  None of us has a Ph.D in Islamic studies. Nonetheless, that does not mean that we do not know Islam.  We are so good in Islam that many of us have created our own websites to propagate Islam.  Don’t you think that it is an excellent idea, brother Osama?  Look brother, you were also a Civil Engineer, isn’t it so?  Now you are the best and the strongest Islamic scholar in the world.  Many jihadis would gladly sacrifice their dear lives to uphold your Islamic teachings. We are so proud of you that you are the first great Engineer in the world who has used Civil Engineering to advance Islam with great success.  Brother, would you kindly tell us how Civil Engineering and Islam could be combined with more success?  Or, is it that you took your lesson on Islam in Al-Azhar University in Cairo? We are sure that they have a department named Islamic Civil Engineering, isn’t it so?  We can safely say that our knowledge of Islam is far superior to the age-old trusty Islamic exegete like Ibn Kathir, al-Shawkani, Jalal al-Din Suyuti, Jarir al-Tabari…etc. just to name a few. Our knowledge of Islam is so great that we simply discard the Tafsir of al-Quran by those old hags whenever we find something that does not sound good to us. Lately, we have discovered a new brand of Islam. In this brand of Islam anything and everything that makes us feel ashamed, cruel, uncivilized, barbaric we simply discard them no matter who is the interpreter even if it is from Imam Ghazali, Suyuti, Tabari…any one…they are out…all of them; instead we put forward our own interpretations. Do you know why, brother Osama? It is because 99.99% of the infidels have never read the Qur’an and they have no clue about its content.  Therefore, it is so easy to fool them. We never worried about our folks either. A 90% of them do not know the meaning of the suras they utter hundreds of thousands of times in their prayer.  Almost none of them ever heard of the name of those old pundits of Islam. They thought Islam means praying, fasting, offering Zakat, performing Eid and attending the Hajj; and that is all. It was so easy to fool all these people. They readily believed whatever interpretation we gave them.  Sha’ria Laws?  They did not even heard of this word just a year ago.  Brother, you did a fantastic job. Your contribution to Islam is just immeasurable, brother. You see, after 9/11 the words Islam, Qur’an, hadith, Sha’ria are in the lips of everyone in the infidel world.  What a great success!  What you achieved by killing a mere three thousand infidels in a couple of hours no Islamic conqueror could do that even in a hundred year.  Imagine now brother, what would happen to Islam if you could kill about 250 million of the infidels.  No joke, brother, everyone will then talk about Islam.  Look at the beauty of Islam.  The more infidels you kill, the more they fall in love with Islam. Truly incredible!  Allah’s Qudrat! Our mission accomplished one hundred percent! 


Brother Osama, we thought that things would be like that forever.  No one will know our secret.  No one will ever question about Qur’an, Islam, Sha’ria, Hadith…. etc.  We would have a plain sail and in due time we will arrive at our Manjil (destination) i.e. to conquer the remaining infidel lands and forcibly convert them to Islam, Insahallah, with your help.  All we needed was a hero like you who would never hesitate to slaughter millions of ordinary infidels as per the rulings of the Qur’an and the hadith.  See, we never told this secret to any infidel at any time.  But it looks like our plan has encountered a snag.  A temporary one, though.  You know those new breeds of apostates we were talking before?  We are now so surprised that they have the full knowledge of the contents of the Qur’an including the innermost secrets of ours. They digested the tafsirs by those old exegetes of centuries old.  What a sad matter.  We thought that they could be just like another Salman Rushdie or Taslima Nasrin who had very limited knowledge about our secret.  But no, these new betrayers know more of Islam and Sha’ria than many of us with Ph.D.  This is outrageous and simply not acceptable to us. After all, we are the sole agent of Islam.  No one knows Islam more than we do. But we dare not confront them intellectually. We always try to corner them by using the logic that Qur’an and ahadith cannot be understood unless one is an expert in Arabic.  This is a great strategy. We know that these apostates, for most of them, their mother tongue are not Asmani (heavenly) Arabic.  Therefore, they can never confront us in linguistic matters although we also have very little knowledge of Arabic. This is the way we plan to topple those bastard betrayers. But lately, this method is also backfiring. Due to the advent of the Internet, these apostates (Ex-Muslims) are able to digest everything about Islam within a very short period of time, even the most difficult language, Arabic, the language of the Qur’an.  You see, they read the transliteration of the Qur’an and then search the dictionary.  It is so simple now a day.  It looks like their best weapons are our websites, Qur’an and ahadith.  Our websites, instead of serving the purposes of ours have become a great tool for them.  This is just ridiculous!  Sometimes, we feel like bringing down our very own websites that were designed to dupe the infidels.  Instead, we have now become the victims of our own creation.  Brother Osama, we can never have our peace of mind and our websites will remain hitless and deserted so long as these ex-Muslims (apostates) remain alive and continue with their nefarious design.  That is precisely why we are turning to you to teach them a very good lesson as per hadis and Qur’an.  Please open cells of jihadis in America, Europe, Canada and Australia.  We know it is bit difficult for you now but we are certain that Allah, our Rahman-ur-Rahim, will soon join in your slaughter of the infidels. 


Please brother, do not disappoint us in this time of need.  We patiently look forward to your signal for action.  We look forward to another 9/11 from you, brother.  Do not, and I repeat, do not disappoint us.   


Zazakallah Khairan 

The New Mullahs of Deen-e-Eslam 

Rajab 12, Our Year of the Lord Hijri 1422

Al Doniah



Abul Kasem writes from Sydney, Australia.  His e-mail address is – [email protected]







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