e-mail to Allah
E Mail : email@example.com
Dear Allah; Assalamu
Alaikum; We really do not know how to address you properly. So, we use the
same salutation that you taught your most favourite messenger, Muhammad (pbuh).
It is also quite difficult for us to know about your whereabouts since you
communicated with your Umma via your Minister of Information, Jibril via
Muhammad (pbuh) 1400 years ago. Since then, we had never heard from you.
This is very sad to us Allah. During these long 1400 years so many things
have changed on earth. We are absolutely certain that you are quite aware
of these changes.
We are sending this
e-mail to you hoping that this will find you somewhere in the cyberspace
as this space is so huge. Allah, please forgive our Beadabi. We tried to
communicate with you through, Zainamaj, Tasbih, Kurbani, Fasting, Zakat,
Hajj, Dan Khairat------everything that you told us to do. But alas! All
our attempts have been futile. Perhaps you are very busy. Perhaps you have
other matters to attend. We waited patiently for thousands of years to
receive your 'nek' and 'niamat'. But so far we have not received any. That
is why, in desperation we are writing this urgent e-mail to you. Dear
Allah, do you have a fax machine? We are sure you have one. Even the lowly
creatures of yours can invent a fax machine. So, we are certain that you
have a fax and a telephone service too. On your reply please give us your
fax and telephone numbers so that we can contact you promptly whenever
Allah, we were not happy
where we were born and raised. It was because we had to face grinding
poverty, lawlessness, ill health, disease and no future for ourselves as
well as for our children. We thought you are testing our Iman through
those sufferings. Then we found a way to migrate to the infidel's
countries. Allah, we are sure you will forgive us if you know our real
intentions of doing this. We wanted to convert all these infidels in to
followers of Islam and at the same time we and our children are assured of
a better life, at least materially. We also wanted to build a mosque in
every suburb of these infidel lands. This is our greatest ambition. Allah,
don't you think that it was a clever idea? We could kill many birds in one
stone! To our surprise we found strange things in these infidels land. We
found that the women here do not wear Hijab. At first we were ashamed to
look at these Hijabless damsels. We strictly followed your injunction like
24:30] Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and
guard their modesty: that will make for greater purity for them: And God
is well acquainted with all that they do.
We thought that these
women are no better than prostitutes and that they were inviting rape. But
we are surprised that a Hijabless woman is rarely raped or molested in the
infidel's land! Allah, how is that possible? All our women wear Hijab
still then they do not feel safe. Why is it so Allah?
Ya Allah, throughout our
lives we have eaten Halal foods. We have never consumed any food forbidden
by you. Even in the infidels land we drive hundreds of miles just to buy
Halal foods though they may be unhygienic. But we shall rather eat
unhygienic Halal food than consume infidel's foods. Allah, for this reason
we very rarely visit Macdolad's, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Hungry Jacks,
Burger Kings ….……. and in other infidel fast food joints. We are
very proud not to eat in these outlets even though they are impeccably,
clean, hygienic and pleasant. We are very proud to uphold your decrees.
Allah do you know why? It is because you said that the infidels are
unclean. See for yourself, Allah!
9:28] O ye who believe! Truly the Pagans are unclean; so let them not,
after this year of theirs, approach the Sacred Mosque. And if ye fear
poverty, soon will God enrich you, if He wills, out of His bounty, for God
is All-knowing, All-wise.
Allah, we have absolute
faith in your words. When infidels invite us in their homes for a party we
pretend to be broad minded; but when we go to these parties we carefully
search foods for the telltale sign of Haramness in them. Most of the time
we only drink fruit juices and eat none of the foods. We tell our hosts
that we are not hungry or that we are sick.. Allah, don’t you think that
it is a great sacrifice on our part just to honour your divine decrees? If
by mistake we did the terrible act of consuming Haram food, please forgive
us for this sin. After all, such accidental errors are forgiving to you;
isn't it. See Allah what you wrote in your Quran !
2:173] He hath only forbidden you dead meat, and blood, and the flesh
of swine, and that on which any other name hath been invoked besides that
of God. But if one is forced by necessity, without wilful disobedience,
nor transgressing due limits,- then is he guiltless. For God is
Oft-forgiving Most Merciful.
But Allah, the thing that
really puzzles us is that why are these Haramkhors (Haram eaters) seem to
enjoy excellent health; whereas many of us even after eating the Halal
foods throughout our lives seem not to have that great health. After all,
we thought that the best way for health, vitality and longevity is through
the Halal way. How come the infidels are better off with the Haram way?
Dear Allah, you told us
that as followers of the best religion, we are the best people on earth.
For confirmation we just need to look at your following words:
3:110] Ye are the best of peoples, evolved for mankind, enjoining what
is right, forbidding what is wrong, and believing in God. If only the
People of the Book had faith, it were best for them: among them are some
who have faith, but most of them are perverted transgressors.
3:85] If anyone desires a religion other than Islam (submission to
God), never will it be accepted of him; and in the Hereafter He will be in
the ranks of those who have lost (All spiritual good).
Allah, to us it meant
that we are the best in every respect. But to our surprise we find that
almost all the achievements of today are by the infidels and the kafirs.
After you stopped talking to us through your messenger, so many things
have changed that we do not have the space to write details in this short
e-mail. Allah, why is it that we do not have a radio connection with you
whereas these infidels have connected the entire globe electronically. How
is it that these infidels are about to set foot on another planet created
by you whereas we, the true followers of yours could not even trace your
residing place? Allah, why is it that you did not give enough capability
to your true followers to achieve these incredible achievements of the
infidels? Another matter that is very perplexing to us is the field of
All the modern life
saving drugs and medical inventions like penicillin, anti-biotic, x-ray,
chemotherapy, CT-scan, ultrasound, mammography …… etc have been
invented by the infidels. We hate to say this. But Allah, we have no
choice. Our life totally depends on these infidels. Why is it so Allah?
Allah, please give us at least the ability to save our own lives ourselves
when we fall sick. Allah, it really seems that you are gradually
abandoning us. Allah please tell us what has gone wrong with us.
To our knowledge we have
never committed any Gunah at all. In fact, our other compatriots in your
Islamic paradises are implementing pure and absolute Islam by following
your prescriptions to the letter. Still then you are not happy with them
You have given them all sorts of immeasurable sufferings and a series of
natural disasters. We thought that you reserve the natural disasters like
earthquakes, floods, famines, draughts etc. for the infidels and kafirs.
Allah, is it fair that you make your believers suffer so much and let the
infidels/kafirs go Scot free?
Dear Allah, our members
have become very frustrated. Every day we are facing the attacks from the
secularists/freethinkers. We thought that Internet (your gift to mankind)
will be on our side. We spent huge sums of money to develop countless
sites dedicated to you. We thought that Internet shall be our weapon
through which we shall convert every one on this planet to Islam. We
thought that we shall decimate all secularists/freethinkers through our
brilliant essays/discussions/fatwas/promises of eternal life/heaven and
what not. We recycled most of these writings in almost all our sites. Our
members are too busy following your prescribed rituals like five times
prayers a day, fasting, Hajj, implementing Quran at home and outside.
That is why they do not
have enough time to produce new and original articles. Allah, what is
wrong in recycling and repeating the same essays again and again and again
in all our sites? After all, your writings are mostly repetitive too. Many
times the secularists/freethinkers had the audacity to question the many
repetition of verses in your Holy book. We silence them by saying that
Allah repeats for greater understanding and explanation. Allah, we are
just following that which you have done. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Cut and
paste. Cut and paste. Cut and paste. We have no shortage of funds to
create new web sites.
Money is pouring in from
the Islamic paradises. We will do more and more cut and paste until all
Islamic brother sites look alike just like the verses in your Quran. The
only thing that is lacking in us is that we do not have the brainpower to
silence the secularists and freethinkers. That is why we need to do a lot
of homework. We spend nights and days doing our homework. In fact, we have
so much of homework to do that the handful of brains that we have are
always busy at home and rarely do outside work. See how smart and clever
are we! The secularists and the freethinkers never do their homework. That
is why we always chide them and lecture on them on how to compose essays.
We feel very proud in our
faith when we do this. But then, this Internet battle is also looks like
going to be won by the secularists/freethinkers/infidels. The Internet has
really backfired on us, Allah. Every other day we find that
secularists/freethinkers bring in new converts and original writings which
your fellow followers find very difficult to confront. It is a very
shameful thing for us when we find that many of these convert secularists
were actually diehard followers of yours at a certain point in their
lives. If you want to know more about them we can send their e-mail
addresses and the blasphemous articles that they dared to propagate.
Allah, is it possible that you made them to change their heart about you?
We base it from your countless verses dealing with pre-ordination. In case
you have forgotten, we are quoting a few here:
10:100] No soul can believe, except by the will of God, and He will
place doubt (or obscurity) on those who will not understand.
35:8] Is he, then, to whom the evil of his conduct is made alluring,
so that he looks upon it as good, (equal to one who is rightly guided)?
For God leaves to stray whom He wills, and guides whom He wills. So let
not thy soul go out in (vainly) sighing after them: for God knows well all
that they do!
6:125] Those whom God (in His plan) willeth to guide,- He openeth
their breast to Islam; those whom He willeth to leave straying,- He maketh
their breast close and constricted, as if they had to climb up to the
skies: thus doth God (heap) the penalty on those who refuse to believe.
Dear Allah, would you
please confirm this fear of ours in your return e-mail. Gostaki maaf. If
this be confirmed by you then we better not waste our time on these
secularist/infidel writers. This is your wish. So, be it.
Dear Allah it really
frustrates us when we find that the Internet battle is slowly but surely
being won by the infidels/freethinkers. To make situation worse, many of
these kafirs writers use pseudo names and hide their real identities and
physical whereabouts. Allah, please do not misunderstand us. We did try
our utmost to unveil these hidden enemies of Islam. We have declared them
apostates and we have waged Jihad against them. We have never forgotten
your decrees on these apostates. As a test of proficiency of your Holy
Scripture we quote from your Holy Quran:
4:137] Those who believe, then reject faith, then believe (again) and
(again) reject faith, and go on increasing in unbelief,- God will not
forgive them nor guide them nor guide them on the way.
16:106] Any one who, after accepting faith in God, utters Unbelief,-
except under compulsion, his heart remaining firm in Faith - but such as
open their breast to Unbelief, on them is Wrath from God, and theirs will
be a dreadful Penalty.
42:16] But those who dispute concerning God after He has been
accepted,- futile is their dispute in the Sight of their Lord: on them
will be a Penalty terrible.
Allah, we have sent
plenty of hate/warning/threat mails to these kafirs/apostates. Some of our
warning mails even contained threats of beheading them as per your
instruction and as per your dearest messenger's practices. But these
apostates do not care. They have become more dangerous than Salman Rushdie
and Taslima Nasreen. Allah, please help us to find these apostates. You
have declared that you are all knower.
Allah, we are sure that
you have not forgotten similar decrees of yours which adore virtually
every page of the Holy Quran. Allah, do you have a tape recorder? Please
playback your messages of 1400 years ago. Dear Allah, we know in the
following verses that you asked us not to raise questions about faith.
5:101] O ye who believe! Ask not questions about things which, if made
plain to you, may cause you trouble. But if ye ask about things when the
Qur'an is being revealed, they will be made plain to you, God will forgive
those: for God is Oft-forgiving, Most Forbearing.
5:102] Some people before you did ask such questions, and on that
account lost their faith.
Allah, how funny is it
that if we ask any questions about Islam then we may end up becoming an
unbeliever! Now we understand why you have imposed terrible punishments
for those who ask questions like the secularists/freethinkers.
Allah, we are really very
curious to know if you had recorded your messages in a tape recorder or CD
or DVD so that there would have been no confusion about your authentic
messages? Please Allah forgive us for inquiring such thing.
Ya Allah, we need your
intervention very urgently. Please tell us the physical whereabouts of
these new Salman Rushdies and Taslima Nasreens. They are multiplying every
day. After we receive your e-mail, we shall forward this information to
your favourite annihilators, the Talibans and other Islamic Jihadis group
who will take care of them. We have tried our best to defeat these foes of
Islam intellectually, but we could not. Now we have no choice but to
eliminate them physically. After all, that is how you had always won,
isn't it? Allah, remember the genocide in Bangladesh, Iran, Afghanistan,
Sudan? Allah, isn't this the only language in your scripture to deal with
the infidels/secularists/freethinkers? Look Allah, what you wrote in your
2:193] And fight them on until there is no more Tumult or oppression,
and there prevail justice and faith in God; but if they cease, Let there
be no hostility except to those who practise oppression.
5:33] The punishment of those who wage war against God and His
Apostle, and strive with might and main for mischief through the land is:
execution, or crucifixion, or the cutting off of hands and feet from
opposite sides, or exile from the land: that is their disgrace in this
world, and a heavy punishment is theirs in the Hereafter;
47:4] Therefore, when ye meet the Unbelievers (in fight), smite at
their necks; At length, when ye have thoroughly subdued them, bind a bond
firmly (on them): thereafter (is the time for) either generosity or
ransom: Until the war lays down its burdens. Thus (are ye commanded): but
if it had been God's Will, He could certainly have exacted retribution
from them (Himself); but (He lets you fight) in order to test you, some
with others. But those who are slain in the Way of God,- He will never let
their deeds be lost.
Dear Allah, as we said
before, we have many things to write to you. If only you could read our
language and respond!
With the greatest
devotion. Your Slave.
For safety reasons from the kafirs we also used a cryptic name just like
you put many cryptic messages in your Holy Book (like Alif-Lam-Mim,
Alif-Lam-Mim-Sad, Ta-Ha, Ta-Sin-Mim, Ha-Mim just to name a few). Allah, we
are sure you will be able to decipher it.