- Raleigh Connection - Smoke gets in my eyes
By: Steven Luotto
I'm intrigued by the Abridged
version of the Koran supplied to the University of North Carolina... a
Koran with all the feel-good, do-right stuff one would expect of a major
religion and shorn of all the "get-em-wherever-you-find-em-and
jump-on-their-corns and chop-their-fingers-off" nonsense.
Of course what's funny about this whole scam is that whereas enacting the
(now missing) bad stuff of the Koran would get you arrested in both
Carolinas, North and South, enacting the good stuff (with the wrong
people) would probably get you carted off to jail in Pakistan and Saudi
But never mind. What the geniuses behind the operation judged as bad were
those acts and thoughts that offend the golden rule of plain, simple,
common sense. Commendable! Ecumenical! Diabolical! Oh the possibilities!
If we could only get the North Carolina Koran to become a bestseller in
Cairo, or at least as popular as Mein Kampf!
Actually, seeing as cheating and messing around with the Holy word of (the
one and only) Desert God is now perfectly fair, (they started!) I would
have Spielberg and NASA get to work on some fake miracles to convince our
Muslim brothers that the NCK (North Carolina Koran) is the really really
true, no-messing-around word of God and not the Old Book.
They could stage miracles, like having the moon split (through a
combination of laser and holographic technology) over Raleigh, the Capital
of NC. This now obviously legitimate act of smoke-in-your-eyes religious
tweaking could be financed at least in part by the local tobacco industry.
How many people are driven to smoking through the worry of terrorist attacks?
A Koran with just good ole-time religious stuff that everyone can get
along with, from Bible-thumping swamp deacons to the Pope right on down to
the Dalai Lama! No more wife beating, slavery, pedophilia, looting,
Jew-baiting, heathen-killing, special taxes... just Salaam!
Is not the Koran called a Miracle? Well miracles never cease, do they? I'm
Asadi, our brilliant retroactive scholar, with a little free
assistance from IBM (also in on the scam) could find (or be artfully led
to) a suitable combination of Verses divisible by nineteen (or at this
point by 9.5) that would magically show that the Prophet knew all along
that Raleigh would be the new capital of Islam.
Why didn't He say so right away in plain language? Inscrutable... (Best to
leave some wide open logical questions wide open! That's the way religions
are!) But as I'm sure Asadi and Big Blue would illustrate through amazing
computer assisted mathematics (that no one in the 7th century, or in his
right mind, could've possibly been able to pull off unless he were truly
getting the equations from God), the Prophet mentioned "RALEIGH -
MOON" and "TRUE WORD" hundreds of times (all you have to do
is get the square root of the verse number, and multiply it by a factor of
his uncle's hypotenuse and divide the result by his brother-in-law's
wives... or whatever).
Of course there would still be the old diehards, those poor devils who
memorized every single word of the original Holy Book, but other miracles
could be staged to bring them around.
A new Hajj would direct the revised faithful to North Carolina. First
they'd still have to go to Mecca, but only as a reminder of their once
evil ways. There along with taking the traditional walk around the rock,
sobbing and self-flagellating, they would beg forgiveness for not being
smart enough to understand the old bad stuff of the polluted Koran and for
failing Mohammad's test (of believing written words instead of their own
honest hearts), then once purified they would hop on the plane and fly
straight to Raleigh where they would enjoy the first time pleasure of just
being normal (instead of having to waste so much time, energy and
intellectual honesty in defending wife beating, slavery, pedophilia,
looting, Jew-baiting, heathen-killing, special taxes, etc.)
Of course, before the geniuses revised the word of God, such a scam
would've been unthinkable, utterly disrespectful, but seeing as they're
pulling the wool over our eyes, I think we're entitled to spin a yarn or
two of our own.
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