Lampoon

Lampoon

Cry of the Miserable Talibans!  

By Syed Kamran Mirza

Talibans’ Enigma 

O Almighty, Merciful and Compassionate Allah, why do you forsaking us?  At least at this crucial time.  We have become Talibans only to please you and not for any body’s sake!  Our only passion is to establish an Islamic Utopia in Afghanistan and beyond.  To achieve this, we undertook a formidable task—we dedicated ourselves to become the true Ummah of our Holy prophet.  And we became Talibans (students).  Lest you forget, we did not take any education established by western kafirs.  Instead, we took up the education you love most. We have attended your favorite Madrasahs of Wahabite styles and studied nothing but your Holy Word, which archangel Gabriel had delivered to our Holy prophet a long long time ago.  We also memorized every words of Rasool Karim (swa) which is the basis of Sunnah.  We did not rest for a single day after we consolidated power in Kabul.  You know Allah that we declared Holy Jihad in Afghanistan and with all the spirit of Islam and with some help from guns and bombs (borrowed from Kafirs) we have established Islamic paradise in our dusty land.  We also have washed out sins of Kabul and entire Afghanistan with the Holy Spirit of Islam.  We have chopped many hands and feet, flogged
many kafirs and infidels, stoned to death many unclean man and women, destroyed all the educational institute established by those western kafirs and replaced them with Allah’s Madrasahs, abolished women’s education and women’s work outside, put all the women (tools of Satan) in prison (strictly in the metaphoric sense), painted all windows, we compelled all women to wear Burqa to cover head to toe including their enticing face.  In addition, we didn’t rest until we have compelled all the men to keep beard and to wear Islamic dress—Muttahejaba and all.  We also trained all young Afghan to become true students or Talibans.  We have very successfully turned the country’s wheel backward to the middle age (7^th century) and removed all those western Satanic influences by banning all forms of music, TV, Radio, sports, etc.  We have successfully expelled all western educated kafirs from Afghanistan; we have barred women education and compelled them to study only Qur’an and hadiths.

O Merciful, O Compassionate, O Omnipotent Allah, what else do you want from us?   Haven’t we accomplished the holy job of severing all relations with most western kafir-countries, kept relation only with your home country Saudi Arabia and her stooges such as Pakistan, Iraq, Emirates only?  To please you and our apostle—we have valiantly destroyed historic statues of Buddha and all other forms of statues of man and animals.  We bowed in your holy name, if we get chance, to destroy/demolish all the statues of living objects (man and animals only) made by kafirs throughout this holy planet earth.  We have compelled small left-over minorities Hindu kafirs to wear yellow badges and inshallah, soon they all will be either converted to Islam or drown them in the sea (Oops! We are a landlocked nation!).  We have driven out most western educated half-kafir Afghans from our Islamic paradise.  However, by doing all these righteous works, what are we getting from you Allah?

Since we took over this Allah’s Khas land, we have had two big earthquake killing thousands of pious Muslims and destroying tens of thousands of Taliban’s residence.  What did we do wrong, Allah?  While we have destroyed most of the infrastructures built by kafirs, our hopes were that we should get blessings from the heaven above).  We thought we should get everything from Allah as you have promised with us in the holy Quran. O Allah, you have repeatedly promised in all over the Qur’an that, “those who believe in Allah and lead pious/righteous life will be rewarded in this earth and also will be rewarded Jannat-a-ferdous hereafter”. But, O Allah you are not giving us any reward here on earth.  There is no hints whatsoever!  Here in this promised land (paradise of Islam)—our Taliban children are dying by the dozens mercilessly because of no available food or medicine. About half a million Afghans have already abandoned their homes to become refugee in the neighboring Pakistan and Iran. This Islamic paradise of Afghanistan is getting poorer day by day instead of getting richer by your blessings. What’s wrong with you O compassionate Allah, why are you punishing us so much?   Are you really testing our infallible Iman?  After all, these natural calamities now you have given us drought and continuous drought, which is wiping our crops, killing our cattle and children are dying due to scarcity of food and medicine.  When everything else fails, what do we do?  Like ancient Trantic of India, do we have to offer human sacrifice?  Wastagfirullag!  Nauzubillah!!!  O Almighty, do you know that our supreme Islamic Shura decided to perform Human sacrifice (burnt offerings which you previously commanded in Holy bible where you repeatedly said you love the sweet smell of burnt meat very much) to draw your attention and to please you?   If you don’t believe us then read yourself this news given by kafir press (Associate Press)   

The Puzzling news from Taliban Heartland   

Afghanistan to Sacrifice Infants to End Drought

by KANYA BELIEVIT Associated Press Writer

KABUL, Afghanistan (AP) -- Afghanistan's Taliban rulers -- already isolated by their policies of barring women from all occupations except prostitution, in order to protect morality, and forcing Hindus to wear yellow cloths, in order to foster religious tolerance -- announced plans to begin sacrifice infants to Baal. They are to be thrown, live, into a bonfire, by their parents, supervised by the Taliban's Committee for the Protection of Virtue and Prevention of Vice. The hard-line Taliban regime that controls 95 percent of this famine-ridden, war-torn country plans to enforce the edict soon, Mohammed Wali, religious police minister, told The Associated Press on Tuesday.The law will also make it mandatory for parents to bury “excess” girl children, Wali said. The edict drew criticism from other Islamic states as well from the West and international human rights groups. But Wali said the latest Taliban edict is in line with Islam. “This is the only way to end the drought,'' the minister said. “We challenge anyone to bring a single Qur’anic sura against throwing live babies into a burning inferno. Why is the West so concerned about a barbequing a few babies when thousands of Afghanis are dying because of the drought while the West does nothing to help?”

Reactions around the Islamic world were mixed. While most Muslims condemned the action, others congratulated the Taliban on their forceful decision. “We know that Baal was an enemy of the Israelis,” said a Hamas spokesman who declined to give his name. “Since Muslims are also enemies of the Israelis, sacrificing infants to Baal must be the true path of Islam.” Munawaar Hasan, general secretary of a major Islamic political party in neighboring Pakistan called Jamaat-e-Islami, or Islamic Party, also supported the move. ''The Taliban should win praise for this step,'' he said. “Finding a concrete yet Islamic method to end a drought is a must in any Islamic country and this step seems in line with this concept. Pakistan might do well to follow this example of Islam in action.”

A rather Short Talibani Munazaat (Supplication)

O Compassionate Allah, what more could we do to please you? Our comrade in arms and Deen, the neighboring Iran when drove that Kafir Shah of Iran and successfully drove one million out of Iran, killed couple of millions inside and imprisoned all women, you did the same.  Instead of giving your glad tidings, you also gave them earthquake, drought, etc. by which you single-handedly ruined their economy and that onetime-prosperous country has gone 100 years backward.  Why Allah, why?  May be that Ayatollah Khomeini was a Shiite Muslim whom you may not liken so much.  But, what about us?  You gave our Prophet Muhammad (your peyare’r banda) if not glad tidings from the above, at least you gave him Angels to fight the kafirs and plenty of plundering booty (young women, lots of wealth and camels).  But, we are neither getting angelic help nor getting any booty.  May be, you are wishing us to conquer all the neighboring lands of kafirs including America to get booty.  But O Allah, how could we do that with so little power?  Those few Stinger Missiles from Harami America which had helped us to get rid of those Godless Communists are now collecting rust.  No spare parts came from Heaven, Allah!  Now, how could we
invade kafir lands when all those kafirs are so much strong with all sorts of Satanic (scientific) weapons?  Why can’t you give us super strong weapons and some Angelic supports so that we can subdue all kafir lands to get attractive booty (young women and wealth) for our valiant Islamic heroes?  In Qur’an, you mentioned so eloquently about the Ababil birds that brought wrath to pagans.  May be we need those birds.  But without any verdant landscape how can we lure Ababil birds to come to our rugged land?  A hopeless situation, indeed!  O Allah the Merciful, what will make you convince that we need your help now, badly, very badly?  How can we wake you up from your long slumber?  It was about 1400 years ago that you sent Archangel Gabriel to Prophet Muhammad to straighten a few unruly Meccans.  Perhaps, it is about the time O Merciful and benevolent Allah that you either send one of your archangels to take us from this utter misery or else we (and Islam, too) will be in great danger in this mortal world.  Without a victory, O Allah, you can kiss goodbye to your dream of converting the entire Ashraf-ul Moklukaat into a giant big Ummah.  Are you still listening to our pleas?  Do we hear a thundering reply?  Don’t
be so cruel, Ya, Rahman-ur Rahim!!!  Please, please, for once, listen to our pleas.  It is becoming a dreadful place already—this Afghanistan.  Is there a silver lining in the dark cloud?  Sorry, monsoon cloud does not reach us here.  It bypasses us and goes to Kafir Hindu India.  What a bummer!  

 Syed_mirza@hotmail.com