Iran, I Ran So Far Away

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Shawn Goodwin

Remember the bad old days when Iran was a bastion of despotism, nepotism, and radical Islam, uh, ism? Remember when the world trembled under the rhetoric and threats emanating out of Tehran? Remember when everyone with a beard - from the Ayatollah Khomeini to Billy Mays to Tom Cruise - struck fear in the hearts of men? Well, those days are gone forever, thanks to the benevolence and generosity of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Ahmadinejad must have woken up on the rainbow, lollipop, and sunshiny side of the bed this week, because he decided to release journalist/accused American spy Roxana Saberi from prison. Saberi served only four months of her almost 10-year sentence, and her release sparked discussion that the country was, as President Obama put it, "unclenching its fist." Of course, anytime a sociopath like Ahmadinejad releases an accused Yankee imperialist spy, there has to be some sort of catch. According to this AP article, there is:

"The United States had said the charges against Roxana Saberi, 32, a dual Iranian-American citizen, were baseless and repeatedly demanded her release.

Hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad could also win some domestic political points a month before he faces a re-election challenge from reformers who want to ease Iran's bitter rivalry with the United States."

And there it is. Ahmadinejad, like Arlen Specter before him, is worried that he will lose his seat, and thus, his claim to power. As a result, he does something rash and unexpected - namely, releasing someone who would have surely been fed to the dogs in a non-election year. The Saberi dilemma has haunted the Iranian government from the beginning, and the worldwide outrage has taken its toll. International pressure forced Ahmadinejad's iron fist, and at this point, the president will not even be able to hurl a stone at the accused! For him, it is not a happy time.

Considering his upcoming political challenges, however, look to see the Iranian president make some uncharacteristic concessions in the weeks to come. Some of these changes range from the sublime to the ridiculous, but they are necessary if Ahmadinejad wants to retain the presidency. For instance, as part of a new "Open Door Policy," the Iranian cabinet is considering changing the name of the country from "Iran" to "Istayed." The name Iran provokes flight, and the country's leaders want to keep their citizens from leaving at all costs. This change will help facilitate that.

Similarly, the Iranian powers-that-be are attempting to bring the country into the technological age. As a result, hundreds of IT professionals are storming citizens' homes and removing their state-of-the-art computers. In this case, those computers would be made by the now-defunct Texas Instruments Corporation. In their place, the government has promised to resupply every home with a brand new Commodore Vic-20! Goodbye Pong! Hello, Pac-Man! Naturally, there was no mention of the mandatory tracking/video systems installed by Big Brother Mahmoud.

In the next few days, President Ahmadinejad will announce sweeping new reforms aimed at the country's female population. For the first time ever, women in Iran will be allowed to speak, even when they are not first spoken to. The first attempt will undoubtedly cause confusion, because no one will know how to react. Imagine the scene:

"Good day to you, sir?"

"What? Who said you could talk? Hang her!"

The reforms will not end there. Iranian women will soon be able to eat in public, vote, drive a car, and star in a network sitcom. Lord knows that the populace is tired of seeing Three's Company reruns with some guy named Ahmed playing Chrissy!

Finally, and most unexpectedly, President Ahmadinejad has promised to eliminate all research into nuclear reactors, and subsequently, nuclear weapons. Many of the nation's conventional weapons are also going the way of the Dodo. Instead, Iran's military leaders have begun a new initiative: Kittens for Kalashnikovs. Every time a citizen turns in an assault rifle, they will receive a harmless, lovable kitty cat. While this program appears insane on the surface, President Ahmadinejad believes that a new, peaceful Iran can lead the way toward a violence-free society. And hey, if Mahmoud wins the election, the army can still utilize the animals . . . as ammunition for his personal Cat-apult.

Now, no one is foolish enough to think that Saberi's release is a sign of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's new leash on life. (If anything, the president is more in favor of putting leashes on the women of his country.) Mahmoud is still Mahmoud, and after the election, he will revert back to the same brutal dictator and rabid anti-Semite that the rest of the world loves to hate.

FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.